I never realized how much of a hang up I had about complimenting appearance. "They might feel unsafe, question your motives, or think you are just vain. So *never* do it"

Or, you know, I could read a situation and tell you how fantastic you look if it seems appropriate

So much unlearning to do...

My plans for today consisted of more than just wrapping myself in a cocoon of fleece and quills, drifting between vivid dreams and mild delirium, all by the light of my phone.

But cold and flu season had different plans.

Like a planetary alignment, it has been a week on meds, a month since accepting, a year openly questioning, a decade of isolating and introspection, and a lifetime of wondering and uncertainty.

The road was long and is longer still - I am so thankful for friendships new and renewed along the way. 💜

Was briefly stuck in the parking deck elevator. Nice temp, good view, no hurry, so I chatted with it for a few minutes. Sometimes we just can't, and that's okay.

It rang its little bell and angrily opened and shut the door an inch as if possessed. I just patted the door.

It gave up and opened 😊

I come here to celebrate this journey in a way I cannot yet do in my daily life. It's about the joy, curiosity, and community I've lacked. Anger at the world goes elsewhere.

But - The impersonal mass email "How do you know testosterone therapy is right for you?" from PCP office nails today's mood

Lots of emotions about names last night. My future perfect tense brain threw this gem at me: "I don't want to burden new friends with what will be my deadname."

This is a fun one to unpack, especially given that circumstances are going to keep me in my current name for some time.

Is it just me or does the lead in to chorus in Gratitude by VNV Nation sound like the opening of a different song:

My god, look at what we are now
Without regret for all the things that we have done
🎵
IT'S RAINING TACOS

(Good night, I'll show myself out)

music.youtube.com/watch?v=9lDY...

"This gift is yours. It is a right of passage. It is all of the tools you will need for this quest on your journey. Not the finest, but where you shall begin as I and countless others before you did.

This is your pink caboodle now."

Being social after isolating for so long is difficult, but so rewarding. I was invited to crash a happy hour outing for the project team I left earlier in the year. Drinking, laughing, making sure we all can afford food, comparing plans to flee the country, scheduling karaoke - normal socializing

Labs drawn. Scripts filled. Today is the day.

music.youtube.com/watch?v=LVAN...

There are so many stories about today - funny, awkward, annoying, amazing stories

But watching the wind brush across a colorful tree palette to the soft tune of wind chimes under the embrace of a retiring sun and gentle gusts - I feel at peace, a rare feel

Tomorrow I crash back to Earth, not now

Of all the reasons I'm happy to have completed my PhD, I'd never thought of how nice it is that "Dr. Surname," is a polite and genderless reference to myself.

Little things like this help despite how much else around me is infuriating.

Disappointment is not defeat. Just because an incredible job opportunity didn't pan out doesn't diminish other progress or victories.

I went for *everything* I wanted and this one part didn't happen. So much else is on track, though. 😊

Appointments made. Applications sent. All done. Time to hurry up and wait.

Today went from being the first page of a new chapter to the canary copy of a triplicate request for a cosmic narrative shift in 5-10 business days.

Despite it all, I felt seen, heard, loved, and valid today. 💜

The first one to notice wins. 😊💜

A good, responsible day. I even worked through some careful self-reflection and resolved to find better language before trying to discuss any of it. Look at that maturity.

Wait, a chance for a mildly amusing lewd remark that opens up that door? Don't mind if I do! 😅

I have the best big sis tho 💜

The little one likes to repeat small parts of kids songs on his device. For the last hour, it's been a gentle song about emotions. This part over and over especially:

You might laugh today.
You might cry today.
You might feel many different feelings,
And they're all okay.

It's lovely 😊

Connected by Islandinside has been on repeat nonstop all week. Belting it in the car makes me feel less fractured, like the masks all truly belong to one self. Not sure I'll get to covering it, but I story-boarded a video if I do.

music.youtube.com/watch?v=9ncO...