You cannot brew freely without complete contempt for tradition, for commerce, and for the drinker – that needy inebriate with their snout always in the trough!

Beer is a mystery. I assume alien intervention. Or a trick by the Kabouters. The golden ale I drink – is it really mud?

You cannot brew beer like mine. You do not have the correct yeast strains, hop varieties, or brewing equipment specially fabricated in Liège. You also lack my talent and colossal spirit.

My beer inspires the “fear of missing out”, yes, but that is nothing compared to the terror it induces at 3am, in the darkness of the Flanders night, when it begins to escape its containment.

Greasy potato snacks are not a suitable accompaniment to beer. They muddy and muddle its flavour. Try agéd cheese, mustard, and a small gherkin instead.

The predominant aroma in German beer is of microscopes.

Non-alcoholic beer is like religion without the Devil. No danger, no feeling. You are going through the motions – like a sewer inspector, ha!