@bradheffner.bsky.social
I love my cat so much. All he wants is a constant stream of food and attention. He's literally me.
November 27, 2025 at 2:28 AM
I love my cat so much. All he wants is a constant stream of food and attention. He's literally me.
Using science, I have created a way to conclusively prove who should have power over life and death.
I haven't run the numbers. Here, let me...
First is me. Wow. Shocked. Honored.
Second is...Mel Gibson?!
Dios mio. Talk about the original Odd Couple.
I haven't run the numbers. Here, let me...
First is me. Wow. Shocked. Honored.
Second is...Mel Gibson?!
Dios mio. Talk about the original Odd Couple.
June 26, 2025 at 2:22 AM
Using science, I have created a way to conclusively prove who should have power over life and death.
I haven't run the numbers. Here, let me...
First is me. Wow. Shocked. Honored.
Second is...Mel Gibson?!
Dios mio. Talk about the original Odd Couple.
I haven't run the numbers. Here, let me...
First is me. Wow. Shocked. Honored.
Second is...Mel Gibson?!
Dios mio. Talk about the original Odd Couple.
I've become snilk-pilled.
If you aren't only drinking snake milk, please remove me from your Top 8.
If you aren't only drinking snake milk, please remove me from your Top 8.
June 24, 2025 at 6:17 PM
I've become snilk-pilled.
If you aren't only drinking snake milk, please remove me from your Top 8.
If you aren't only drinking snake milk, please remove me from your Top 8.
I was an atheist until I witnessed Jesus Christ turning you from a man into a bitch.
April 2, 2025 at 1:44 AM
I was an atheist until I witnessed Jesus Christ turning you from a man into a bitch.
Script got rejected. I had pitched a prequel to "Meet the Parents" about atrocities Robert DeNiro's character (Elliot Parents) committed while in the CIA
A crucial scene would have a Viet Cong warlord say, "You can milk anything with nipples" and torturing Parents with an industrial milking machine
A crucial scene would have a Viet Cong warlord say, "You can milk anything with nipples" and torturing Parents with an industrial milking machine
March 12, 2025 at 3:08 AM
Script got rejected. I had pitched a prequel to "Meet the Parents" about atrocities Robert DeNiro's character (Elliot Parents) committed while in the CIA
A crucial scene would have a Viet Cong warlord say, "You can milk anything with nipples" and torturing Parents with an industrial milking machine
A crucial scene would have a Viet Cong warlord say, "You can milk anything with nipples" and torturing Parents with an industrial milking machine
Finally finished Squid James season 2 on #Netflix. Can't wait for season 3. I hope that at last we meet this mysterious Squid James and find out why he's doing this.
March 8, 2025 at 8:45 PM
Finally finished Squid James season 2 on #Netflix. Can't wait for season 3. I hope that at last we meet this mysterious Squid James and find out why he's doing this.
Recently I offered the maker of Combos (stuffed pretzel snack) $20 mil if they let me make a Super Bowl ad where their product performed aggressive fellatio on me
They turned me down. I get it. It's transgression on the level of Kenneth Anger or Luis Bunuel
Just saying I blame them for the economy
They turned me down. I get it. It's transgression on the level of Kenneth Anger or Luis Bunuel
Just saying I blame them for the economy
March 1, 2025 at 5:04 AM
Recently I offered the maker of Combos (stuffed pretzel snack) $20 mil if they let me make a Super Bowl ad where their product performed aggressive fellatio on me
They turned me down. I get it. It's transgression on the level of Kenneth Anger or Luis Bunuel
Just saying I blame them for the economy
They turned me down. I get it. It's transgression on the level of Kenneth Anger or Luis Bunuel
Just saying I blame them for the economy
The reason why potato salad is not mentioned in The Bible will SHOCK you!
The reason: It wasn't a thing yet.
What can we do about this? Nothing. Just try to be better.
The reason: It wasn't a thing yet.
What can we do about this? Nothing. Just try to be better.
February 26, 2025 at 4:07 AM
The reason why potato salad is not mentioned in The Bible will SHOCK you!
The reason: It wasn't a thing yet.
What can we do about this? Nothing. Just try to be better.
The reason: It wasn't a thing yet.
What can we do about this? Nothing. Just try to be better.
Bad news, guys, my band Sex Fuck has just lost its third bassoonist. We want to make clear that there are no hard feelings between the band and Creighhly Tyler. This is a matter of creative differences between the group and Creighhly's family who wanted to take him off life support.
February 25, 2025 at 2:03 PM
Bad news, guys, my band Sex Fuck has just lost its third bassoonist. We want to make clear that there are no hard feelings between the band and Creighhly Tyler. This is a matter of creative differences between the group and Creighhly's family who wanted to take him off life support.
Reposted
It’s Bruce Lee vs Clint Eastwood vs Popeye vs Dracula vs….
You know I could probably save time by telling you who’s not in this movie…
You know I could probably save time by telling you who’s not in this movie…
Episode 76 - The Dragon Lives Again
1000 Wives of Weird · Episode
open.spotify.com
February 25, 2025 at 1:59 PM
It’s Bruce Lee vs Clint Eastwood vs Popeye vs Dracula vs….
You know I could probably save time by telling you who’s not in this movie…
You know I could probably save time by telling you who’s not in this movie…
This feels misleading.
February 24, 2025 at 8:47 PM
This feels misleading.
Shit, it's 10:51 PM. Gotta listen to "California Girls" by The Beach Boys.
February 24, 2025 at 3:51 AM
Shit, it's 10:51 PM. Gotta listen to "California Girls" by The Beach Boys.
Reposted
when people try to parse eg a Nazi salute with “he was referring to / ironic reference” nonsense think of sex. let’s say you and I fuck, but my engagement is ironic — I’m doing it because I’m making reference to a previous discussion about fucking. are you less fucked now? me neither
February 21, 2025 at 11:47 AM
when people try to parse eg a Nazi salute with “he was referring to / ironic reference” nonsense think of sex. let’s say you and I fuck, but my engagement is ironic — I’m doing it because I’m making reference to a previous discussion about fucking. are you less fucked now? me neither
February 21, 2025 at 3:39 AM
Marked safe from almost watching "Sidekicks" (1992) tonight.
February 18, 2025 at 4:48 AM
Marked safe from almost watching "Sidekicks" (1992) tonight.
Neil deGrasse Tyson has inverted balls.
February 18, 2025 at 4:36 AM
Neil deGrasse Tyson has inverted balls.
Ending the bit. Bit over.
February 8, 2025 at 3:13 AM
Ending the bit. Bit over.
You're not going to believe this. Almost as soon as he arrived, Devlin made a beeline for me. I know what you're thinking, but he didn't talk about himself and how great he was.
No.
We talked about me.
We talked about my job and how much money I make and whether I'm close with family.
No.
We talked about me.
We talked about my job and how much money I make and whether I'm close with family.
February 8, 2025 at 3:00 AM
You're not going to believe this. Almost as soon as he arrived, Devlin made a beeline for me. I know what you're thinking, but he didn't talk about himself and how great he was.
No.
We talked about me.
We talked about my job and how much money I make and whether I'm close with family.
No.
We talked about me.
We talked about my job and how much money I make and whether I'm close with family.
Devlin is here! He's much older, fatter, and more obviously been huffing paint than in the paintings.
Which, like, I get it. A lot of us want a different body. Do you.
#slayqueen
Which, like, I get it. A lot of us want a different body. Do you.
#slayqueen
February 8, 2025 at 2:51 AM
Devlin is here! He's much older, fatter, and more obviously been huffing paint than in the paintings.
Which, like, I get it. A lot of us want a different body. Do you.
#slayqueen
Which, like, I get it. A lot of us want a different body. Do you.
#slayqueen
Oh, shit. I guess Devlin is coming to the party soon.
I'm super nervous. Wish I could have a drink, but the only beverage available is hummingbird feeder liquid. I don't know. It's a thing with these guys.
But, oh my god! Devlin's coming!
I'm super nervous. Wish I could have a drink, but the only beverage available is hummingbird feeder liquid. I don't know. It's a thing with these guys.
But, oh my god! Devlin's coming!
February 8, 2025 at 2:38 AM
Oh, shit. I guess Devlin is coming to the party soon.
I'm super nervous. Wish I could have a drink, but the only beverage available is hummingbird feeder liquid. I don't know. It's a thing with these guys.
But, oh my god! Devlin's coming!
I'm super nervous. Wish I could have a drink, but the only beverage available is hummingbird feeder liquid. I don't know. It's a thing with these guys.
But, oh my god! Devlin's coming!
Everyone here is super into some guy named Devlin. There are big portraits of him around the house.
They're not very good, honestly.
Like, I'm not a painter, but I think I could do better. You know, like, for Devlin. He sounds pretty cool.
They're not very good, honestly.
Like, I'm not a painter, but I think I could do better. You know, like, for Devlin. He sounds pretty cool.
February 8, 2025 at 2:29 AM
Everyone here is super into some guy named Devlin. There are big portraits of him around the house.
They're not very good, honestly.
Like, I'm not a painter, but I think I could do better. You know, like, for Devlin. He sounds pretty cool.
They're not very good, honestly.
Like, I'm not a painter, but I think I could do better. You know, like, for Devlin. He sounds pretty cool.
I was wrong. Sorry for jumping to conclusions and making an ass out of u and me.
This is not a cult.
They explained that they're all wearing identical robes because of a hilarious coincidence.
We're all laughing.
Hella comical.
This is not a cult.
They explained that they're all wearing identical robes because of a hilarious coincidence.
We're all laughing.
Hella comical.
February 8, 2025 at 2:22 AM
I was wrong. Sorry for jumping to conclusions and making an ass out of u and me.
This is not a cult.
They explained that they're all wearing identical robes because of a hilarious coincidence.
We're all laughing.
Hella comical.
This is not a cult.
They explained that they're all wearing identical robes because of a hilarious coincidence.
We're all laughing.
Hella comical.
Some randos at a mostly defunct mall invited me to a party.
Here now.
I think this might be a cult.
Here now.
I think this might be a cult.
February 8, 2025 at 2:19 AM
Some randos at a mostly defunct mall invited me to a party.
Here now.
I think this might be a cult.
Here now.
I think this might be a cult.
Please don't fuck with me.
I learned karate from a DVD and I don't want to hurt you.
I learned karate from a DVD and I don't want to hurt you.
February 1, 2025 at 10:07 AM
Please don't fuck with me.
I learned karate from a DVD and I don't want to hurt you.
I learned karate from a DVD and I don't want to hurt you.