me, experiencing urinal stage fright, to the guy next to me: “can lead a horse to water, eh?”

lifetime warranties don’t take you as far as they used to

my last two brain cells fighting over how to start my wedding speech:

“friends, romans, countrymen, lend me your ears”

versus

“today we stand on stolen land”

you’re looking at me like a dog who wants to go outside
even though it’s raining
because, since I control the lights
I might also control the weather

to the tune of Wang Chung Tonight:

“EVE•RY BO•DY ME•TAL•LI•CA
(eve•ry bo•dy me•tal•li•ca)”

if I get laid off do I have to turn in my badge annnnd my gun?