open.substack.com/pub/bidishad...

on the edge of getting triggered by everything, i wrote about how the past three months have been

idk who said time will make it easier. every day i miss my dad more and more and it feels worse because people talk of him less now.

two months today since my dad died. and it makes no sense.

6 years back my dad built a big beautiful house - his first house, a testament to his rise from an impoverished childhood - every nook and cranny designed by him. and now without him, this house doesn’t make sense either.

you think you know how to deal with loss when you have a terminally ill parent, but when it really hits you, you know nothing. the outside world stops touching you.

it’s been 3 months since i was last here which feels like 84 years. in the meantime my dad died. on my 35th birthday. and the world has stopped making sense. not that it was making sense earlier, but even in the smaller scheme of things, it all feels rather pointless.

my anxiety is through the roof - what is this time we are living in

sitting at work feeling ridiculously useless as your country prepares for civil defense mock drills for security fortifications against your neighboring country, also a nuclear power, while you’re awaiting blood reports of your dad, a stage IV cancer patient, as warmongers rage on primetime tv

waking up every day feeling like i don’t exist. living with and caring for a terminally ill parent when all around you your friends are getting married and making babies is a whole other level of dissociation from your peer world.

i can’t consider people who don’t read as writers … like who/what are you writing for then?

I’m going through Margaret Atwood’s class on Masterclass. It is so insightful. My life is falling apart but here I’m rooted to her lessons and advice. And every time she chuckles or laughs, I can’t help grinning at the screen too. Thank god for humans who come up with the most useful distractions.

chat gpt can get good at recreating patterns in a specific style but it’ll never reproduce the magic of creating

The book I wanted to write but didn’t:

Talk less. Read more.

you don’t know what trust is if you haven’t had a dog look into your eyes for a whole minute

Grateful to have @annalindsey.bsky.social in my corner. 4 years of Write Cohort Group 13 with @karisselizabeth.bsky.social @megancwrites.bsky.social and Angie 🌸

What is this rage-y melancholy that takes over when I’m not writing

Read an article today that said “Sally Rooney is the Taylor Swift of the literary world” because she writes about relationships. So, women writing relationships in diff art forms get clubbed into one type but men doing the same get to be their own separate selves setting individual benchmarks 🫠

Is this going to be the place where I start talking to myself again?