In order to join our Chosen Customer club, you must agree to sacrifice your first born son. Be faithful in our shift manager who will not let you suffer, but will substitute a stray cat before you complete the sacrifice. This is a test of customer loyalty, and you will be rewarded with 10% off!

All of our menu prices will be posted in both US dollars and in the equivalent “pieces of silver” which you may bestow upon our baristas in exchange for their handing over your coffee savior.

It is important for our customers to know that our “donations jar” is meant for customers to seek the favor of the Lord by supporting our staff. By helping our staff find prosperity, you too can be blessed. Bills only, please.

For those who saw the local news feature ahead of our opening, we have a correction. Our investor misspoke when she said our menu will be “constantly evolving”. Our menu is a product of the intelligent design of our management, one of whom was featured as a customer in an episode of “Bar Rescue”.

We have been informed by the city that the burning bush we keep out front is not in accordance with city codes. While we recognize only the code that is the word of God, we do not wish to incur the further wrath of Parker, the day shift manager at Squash the Beef, and will replace it.

Before we open, we do want to let our faithful customers know that we have chosen not to upgrade our internet network. While other local businesses have faster connections, we shall not covet our neighbor’s wifi.

If you signed up for our newsletter, please check your spam folder. Gmail is flagging the subject “The First Letter of Paul to the Coffeeists”. We have hired the Alliance Defensing Freedom to explore a religious discrimination case.

Drink at Biblical Grounds

While Biblical Grounds is not yet open to the public, you can sign up for our loyalty program One of the Twelve to get special promotions and be in the contest for each month’s Customer Who He Loved Very Much.

Our management wishes to emphasize that Biblical Grounds is not affiliated with Joe-hovah’s Witnesses or the Temple of Baal Coffee and Snacks Shop.

Due to poor performance in consumer focus groups, we will no longer be referring to a shot of espresso as “Blood of Christ”. It will now be known as “Blood of the Lamb”. We are replacing the stone tablet menus to reflect this, which will delay our opening briefly.

We have fielded many questions about when our first location will be open. Truly, no man shall know the day or hour. Please follow this account or follow the plague of locusts.

We appreciate when our customers choose to “pay it forward” and pay for the next person’s order, but state regulations require us to disclose that our employees pocket that money unless the next customer is a true Christian (white).

For first time visitors to Biblical Grounds, here are our sizes:

The Least of These (small)

DeutoronoMedium (medium)

Fatted Calf (Large)

Bounty of the Lord (Extra large)

Please respect our tradition, ordering a “grande” will incur Herod’s Tax ($1 charge).

Biblical Grounds is the coffee shop for true Christians to celebrate their faith and their love of coffee.

Please note, all of our flavored drinks are listed as “vanilla” for the comfort of our customers, even though many of them are actually chocolate or caramel.

We want to clarify that Angela did not file for divorce at our flagship location of Biblical Grounds, the coffee shop which follows Old Testament traditions, because we are not yet open. Please be patient, and don’t be a doubting Thomas about the quality of our coffee!