🖤🖤🖤

The contrast is very funny though. My overachieving perfect cishet cousin was having a lavish gorgeous wedding yesterday while me, the queer otaku mf who never lived up to my family’s expectations, was taking photos of nowa papes and nowa cardboard cutouts LMAO

This whole weekend has been a huge reminder and relief because it’s clear even to me now that i have completely escaped that life, i’ve detached myself from that family both physically and mentally and built my own life here where i feel safe and content. Finally.

With a good friend yesterday and spending a quiet sunday on my own today recharging my social battery. Instead of attending a wedding and getting sneered at by a family that has fucked me over for too many years.

I can’t justify my excessive spending on them though, i am aware that it’s bad and i am aware that i’m not doing anything to reduce it (i feel like i can’t, the dopamine rush is too addictive), but at least i’m not harming myself or anyone around me. I hope i can be forgiven at least

Through kzh and kne i have met some of the best people and had some of the most fun i’ve ever had in my life. Through them i’ve had a chance to practice kindness towards others around me despite my anger towards the world.

But blind rage is destructive, i know that first hand. Anger and frustration if not balanced with reminders of the small joys in life will only tear me apart from the inside

So i will keep my little hobbies and oshis and plastic merchandises that i carefully display in my room like treasures

In my anger i will keep reading up on historical and current injustices in the world. In my anger i will keep financially supporting resistance and survival whenever i can because i no longer have the courage to go down to the streets.

But i keep my anger. I feel that it’s essential or else i will turn into the cruel privileged kind like the clients that i accompanied onsite for a week and the parliament lady with a kind smile that didn’t reach her eyes.

Of my money on him because he’s one of the only few reasons i could still have fun and laugh in the midst of how bleak the world in general has become in recent years

While she prayed dhuhur and ashar i was catching up on kzh’s streams that i had downloaded before my flight. I thought about how just 5, 3, and 2 years ago i was in the streets protesting the injustices caused by the people in power like her. Now i watch some guy play video games and spend so much

She should never be able to afford on her supposedly humble civil servant salary. I couldn’t tell which one was worse, if the bracelet was fake but she was aware of the status it had in society, or if it was real and she had stolen more of the people’s money to buy it

I was reading a copy of the jakarta method when she told me she was going on a “work trip”. It’s a well known fact that parliament members spend the people’s tax money on these lavish vacations concealed as “work trips”. She smiled and spoke kindly but she had on her wrist a van cleef bracelet that