Sir I have deep respect for you and your advanced age and your love of custard but please can you get that blepharitis looked at. Can I mail you some demodex. I don't know where to get it but I'll figure it out. I'll mail it in a hollowed-out cake. Please. Your eyelids do not need to be doing that

Hi! Is the costume contest for the participants or the dildos? Because I for one would love to design a little penis jacket, or perhaps a dashing cap

She knows what life is about

She!!

Tho like. This is my counter right now

I took this photo of my counter when I got back from Christmas and had to reckon with what I'd previously considered to be a reasonable number of water bottles waiting for their turn in the fridge

*now

I googled to make sure I spelled cordyceps correctly and every article is like THE HEALTH BENEFITS OF CORDYCEPS so. ok.

I got all the lore, the embarrassing stories, the complex revisions to the family tree. My family is small and doesn't rly do thanksgiving so this was completely new to me. I brought food + helped w dishes so I'm basically an honorary cousin now. I'm even in the family photo. I have like 5 new aunts

(For HIPAA reasons I've changed the details slightly but I think I successfully conveyed the vibe)