I’ve got a photographic memory with a cap on the lense

Yo mama so stupid she took uber to a drivein movie

Wife: you’re not going to trade me in for a newer model are u?

me: no, don’t think I could do that

wife: 🥰😍😘 awww y?

me: you wouldn’t pass a smog test

widow: …

You miss 100% of the calls you don’t take

Try it sometime

I didn’t find what I was looking for but I found what I wanted

you put the p in pterodactyl

Just because you have a big heart doesn't mean you have to be an emotional battery to be used and drained by others. Unconditional love is not unconditional tolerance. Choose your boundaries over your empathy because takers have no limits and your boundaries are their limits.

this game fucks

Mockery is the insincerest form of flattery

wife: are you cleaning up in there?

me: (from other room) you know I’m mopping with the J.E.T.

SWIFTER JET MUTHAF-

wife: no

Die Hard should have been filmed today Friday, December 20th

perfect time for office Christmas party

Notre Dame is playing (but not against usc)