it's especially baffling to me when i miss someone who wasn't even like some Key Figure in my life, at least certainly not in recent years
like why am i missing an old friend i had on the xbox.....

inconsequential in that in the grand scheme it generally doesn't make much of a difference, missing people is extremely far from my default. it's just so transient and most of the time i Don't really feel this emotion for most people.

or i feel like even just sometimes very randomly but that's so much more elusive and transient like that shit often will last for maybe a split second if it does happen before instantly disappearing as quickly as it appeared

sometimes when i get really depressed i start to feel more than just indifference and it's like . hmmmm i don't really like this

everything else is just like... what do you want me to do with this? what use does this emotion have? why should i feel this?

a lot of the time i just feel such indifference like i'm so desensitized to everything and i've had so much happen to me that i just can't be assed to care about anything or even really other people all that much

her mom had alzheimer's and her dad had dementia and i feel like the odds aren't looking great especially with her having a traumatic brain injury & repeated drug use and its just. ☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️

like i feel like ive just been watching this decline for years now and it makes me depressed

i'm not sentient enough rn to word things right but there's just that whole aspect of growing up with someone and seeing them lose themselves & their memory more and more And make less and less sense

no one really stops to consider you as a person when you struggle with addiction and severe mental illness a lot of the time, they just see you as a crazy troublemaker who will just do the same things over and over again And really it just becomes a self fulfilling prophecy oftentimes unfortunately

as much as i hold my reservations and as much as i get angry about what she has done to me, it's just objectively fucking depressing to see how thoroughly literally everything and everyone has failed her

there's really also something to be said about how sanism and prejudice towards people struggling with addiction is so rampant And i feel like it's uniquely isolating when you are a middle aged woman from a poor background with no real support to begin with