How do I explain without spilling the tea I drank a few hours ago?
Everything that enters my body gets rejected, that's all I know.

I sit there with sweat in my clenched palms.
I don't have a reason.
So how do I talk about the disease without inviting you to follow the line of vomit that led me here?

Sometimes I paint my finger nails with nail polish;
Can't eat till after it dries.
Have to hide the polished nail coz I get commentary like:
Are you a girl?
Then why do you have nail polish?
You're not a girl.
So why do you have nail polish on?
Are you gay?

Now my body rejects the food and I swallow it back down
Thinking nobody wants this body
So I feed it sloppy seconds.

Now I tighten up the belt,
Try to convince myself it's to stop my pants from falling of.
Now I wear loose clothing,
Not just for my trauma but also I coz I want to feel skinny.
Now I eat what my hearts content.

Now... I inhale and exhale the ice cream
Now I am afraid to burp coz I might just breath out every droplet of water I just drank
Now I fold my hands around my waist like a cup holder
Keeping my body in place
don't wanna spill this disease all over my shoes.

Sometimes I look back into my past and wonder:
How did I not reject the food I ate?
How did I not reject the liquid I drank?
When did this disease, people call eating disorder, begin?
Why did it begin?

This one time I vomited orange rice.

For you to do a collab with Beyoncé 🤎