Today I understand they became who we needed to be to survive those times neither me, or anyone else could´ve survived otherwise.

It doesnt make me like them very much for what they portray to the outside, but I was grateful they brought us far enough so I could exist as more than an observer...

but it was so very real. I tried to get rid of them. Shut them out, put them in the trunk, delete them.

it never worked.

They doesnt go by deadname these days, but is still with us nonetheless. Observing just as I once did, and taking the wheel when the world around get´s too dangerous again...

When I finally understood, we got into a months long fight over it. They thought it was too dangerous to be me. But I knew if the outsiders wouldnt kill us one day, sooner or later we´d do it ourselfes.

This was before we knew about "us". We tried to frame it as some sort of imaginary argument,

I used to describe it by the analogy of a car. Sometimes I was piloting this weird fleshy vehicle with no connection to it at all, but most of the time I was just sitting in the passenger seat watching life fly by through the window as a quiet observer.

Never knowing why or where we were going...