I feel like I'm ending on a little bit of a sour note, but like, I want to change, I'm frustrated that I haven't been able to over the years, but ranting in public is a little bit of a step forwards maybe. Either way, I'm going camping tomorrow, so I'll get some much needed time to think. Gnight.

I don't want to be invisible though, and I'm wrestling with how to undo 26 years worth of conditioning. I'm envious of many of my friends, who I've seen make connections with others because they've been willing to make themselves known. I don't feel good envying my friends, but it's what I feel.

I don't think drama is good, and I don't think constant negativity is good, but at the same time, I admire that people are making themselves visible. It's melodramatic to say so, but I feel invisible a lot of the time. And it's honestly my own doing. It's how I guarantee safety.

I've seen a lot of drama occurring between various content creators recently, and in this particular case it seems like immature young adults handling things in a juvenile way. I thought I looked down on them, but again, I think I'm a bit jealous that all these people are willing to be seen.

I've caught myself thinking poorly of others who do share their negative thoughts about streaming, and after some thinking about it, I think it's less that I believe it's improper to air your negative personal thoughts and more that I'm jealous that people are willing to be seen like that.

And I also hesitate to post about things related to streaming (other than just a go live announcement), because honestly, I often have more negative thoughts about it than positive ones, and I really don't want to spread negativity.

I hesitate to post anything, partly because I can guarantee that people have a neutral attitude towards me as long as I just never show too much of myself. If I actually start standing out, people might get enough information to form an opinion about me. And for some reason that feels uncomfortable.

I'm a little bit deathly afraid of doing anything more. It's kinda corny, but I've been listening to the "Dear Evan Hansen" soundtrack a lot lately and "Waving Through a Window" resonates really hard with me. "I learned to slam on the brakes, before I even turn the key".