little miss peepa pancake

i also got a koozie! anyway, i'm gonna start doing more crazy shit, because despite my insides being reduced to sludge, that was FUN. i'm bringing the sauce to the next family gathering and making them taste it. if you're reading this, this is your sign to go do something insane.

here's the sauce.

winners are called, and i'm very obviously not one of them given that first place flawlessly ripped out "rainbow in the dark". first place gets his $200 in 100 TWO DOLLAR BILLS. i am awarded the fourth place prize of... the rest of the hot sauce. "this stuff's your problem now!"

they open up regular karaoke while they tally up the points (judged on performance, song accuracy, and how well you handled the sauce), and i immediately get up and sing again. i was not admitting defeat to this sauce no matter WHAT it did to me.

so i get my shit back together and i head back inside, and the last few contestants finish up. by this point i was properly well again, although every now and then my stomach was making a concerning noise about it. i start drinking again just because i can (i still had some left).

midnight runs back inside and gets me the second ice cream pop she'd picked up for me, a slightly melty spongebob pop. also some napkins. i'm still on my knees, doing what i can to get rid of the burn a SECOND TIME. another contestant walks over to make sure i'm alright, and somehow i am.

i hesitated for a minute and then i fucking booked it outside, ran to the edge of the pavement, and i dropped to my god damn hands and knees and threw up more violently than i ever have. midnight is holding my hair back, i'm once again crying and drooling, and someone's singing tubthumping.

a few more songs pass. midnight had sped to a nearby gas station to get me some ice cream, and i was doing decidedly better. a girl got up to sing and had to quit mid-song because the sauce near INSTANTLY made her need to puke.

my stomach, upon seeing this, decided that seemed like a great idea.

i coughed and wheezed my way through tainted love through spit and tears. it was getting WORSE over time. i was thanking the powers that be that i chose a short song because by the time i was done i was in PAIN. the second contestant checked in on me and offered me pepto (she actually came ready).

immediately the pleasant warmth in my stomach from the drink was replaced with what i can only describe as liquid hellfire. my mouth burned in places i didn't know could feel. it cleared my sinuses like a fucking battering ram at the cost of my ability to function vocally.

punished for my hubris.

a few songs pass, and i get called up. y'all i was AFRAID. i was a tiny bit tipsy off the drink i got (nothing crazy strong but enough to do the job), but that did not make me less afraid of this sauce. i take the spoon, forego a sniff, and swallow that shit in one quick go. downed it like a shot.

so we start the competition. first contestant is so unfazed he takes two (which like, okay, whatever i guess) and then the second contestant manages to choke out "always be my baby" through tears, and she was doing ROUGH for the next half hour. i was starting to fear for my life.

i had decided i was singing tainted love by soft cell, because i have it committed to memory and also i could get a little tastefully slutty with it, and ALSO also it's short and in a very comfortable spot in my range.

this did not save me.

something i noticed between entering and competing, which the event MC so kindly highlighted, was a trash can labeled the "fuck it bucket" with a clip art silhouette of a man puking on it. ever the optimist (or idiot), i decided i'd be fine, because the prize was $200 and I Needed To Try.

they let us all do a round of regular no-sauce karaoke to warm up, which was very good for me, since it meant that @ghouliebats.bsky.social could record a proper comparison of normal singing vs the agony i should've figured i was in for. i had gotten myself a drink to ease my nerves about the sauce.

now i've been singing my whole life and i'm a fan of spicy food, so i figured this may be something fun for me to try to really test both my spice tolerance and my ability to perform in any circumstance i may land in. i show up, the venue is cool, the event runners are cool, and i'm feeling good.