And the reason why I feel like I'm fitting in less ans less is because the simulation my mind keeps replaying based on experience and memories is failing. It's running out of convincing ideas.

Ever since the accident I've achieved everything I hoped for. Almost like none of this was ever real.

And then my mind goes back to the car accident like (idk) 8 years ago. Which totalled the car, but left us without a single scratch when even the police said that usually no one survives accidents in this particular spot.

Sometimes I go through several panic attacks per day.
The feeling that I genuinely don't belong here. Not with a group of people, no. I mean here. Among the living. I keep thinking that I shouldn't be here anymore. That it's a mistake that I'm still here.

Showing little me how far the world has come and that our favourite hobby will always play a huge role in our life, despite literally EVERYONE trying to get me out of it makes me so happy.

when I was a kid.
Gaming was considered a waste of time at best (and was often times considered dangerous). Growing up perceived female I was basically alone with this hobby. The girls thought it was weird and stupid. And the boys didn't want to play with a girl.

Und den Butler im Kühlhaus einsperrt?

Not even fictional.
Just a regular psychopath in your average true crime series.

Unfortunately I firmly believe that murder is wrong.
So no Netflix Special for me.

I'm tired of trying to fit in.
But I'm also tired of being discriminated, disadvantaged or looked over when I don't jump through their invisible social hoops.

Lost all hope to ever understand how this world works. How people work. The rules change while I'm still trying to figure them out.
I want to leave my comfort zone and let people in, but they make fun of what they see or don't take me seriously because my goals don't align with theirs.

Thanks to covid I've been sober for the first time in ages after putting up the Christmas tree 🫠