And though it’s incredibly morose, it makes me feel so, so much less alone.

I want to fix it. Nothing will ever fix it. But being present with them and listening to their stories can be a comfort. A hug. A shoulder to cry on. A listening ear. A box of cookies from the bakery down the street. All these things connect me to the rest of the unwilling participants of grief.

The horrors of life are plentiful, the horror of death is inevitable. But while I’m here, noticing for the first time how it walks among us largely ignored by those not blown out of the water in its wake, I feel a magnetic pull to comfort those who unwillingly join this club.

But when you meet the teary gaze of someone else who’s in those early stages of grief, your instinct is to protect. Your instinct is to tell them it will be ok. Sometimes it’s ok. Sometimes it’s not. And that’s even scarier.

And then the fear creeps in. How many more times can this happen? What’s the point if it all ends? You look for it around every corner. You shine flashlights in the dim corners of your house, expecting it to crawl out of a mouse hole and dart into your living room

And then you realize how ill equipped westernized culture is to cope, to deal. I can only speak as a white American, but we don’t really talk about death where I come from. It’s a thing we know happens, and it’s a thing you hear about, but you never think it could be you or someone you love.

And then you realize just how often it happens. Dec 2024, January 2024, July 2024, myself and my office mates each lost a parent. November 2024, a colleague’s wife. September 2023, my coworker’s brother. March 2025, my coworker’s husband. You never realized it before now.

But the eyes of someone who has experienced what you’ve experienced fall differently on you than those who haven’t. And you consider everything much differently when you’re in the trenches yourself. Its a horrible club to be in, but there are other people there with you that you didn’t notice before

You compare the stats: was it sudden, what was their relationship to this person, how old are they, when did it happen, how did it happen, and you become grateful that you didn’t have their experience, thankful that they didn’t have yours, or you feel seen for once if you’re in the same boat

When you find people who do, there is an understanding that is almost comforting. Almost. But then you relive your loss for the other person in that moment, and you hate that they’ve experienced what you have

The very real conclusion of death is everywhere, which is something that’s easy to ignore if you’ve never experienced a significant loss. But when it happens in your orbit, sometimes people don’t know how to react when you tell them what’s happened

I cry at work literally all the time

Had to do this 10.5 months ago. My heart is with you. I am so sorry for your loss. Sending you so much love.