Experiment is turning out well, and my closest people have been quite receptive to it. Also feel a lot less tired and stressed, and I can actually deal with a lot of bullshit I couldn't better now

Helps compartmentalise the stuff I need to when I don't need it as well, which has been doing wonders

MY HANDS ARE SO STAINED WITH GUNDAM INK INJECTION AND I HAVE NO ALCOHOL WIPES TO REMOVE THEM EASILY

My current shelf, with my next project either being the Metal Spirits Wing Zero or getting an RG Shining Gundam

God Gundam Hyper Mode scares me because of the plating on it and I don't want to ruin a Gundam Base kit

P-Bandai pop-up showed up at a hobby shop we check, and I unfortunately came on the second day where both the MG AND RG Perfectibility were sold out

I DID snag some sets I'm super excited to build, though I'll definitely have to wait on getting any more stuff until next paycheck..

I'm not posting this to get any sympathy from anyone. I don't want any pity, and I know few people will see this.

I'm mostly posting this for myself because I need proof that I KNOW what my problems are and why I NEED to do better. I can't keep acting like this and not take accountability.

I need to remember that I'm human like everyone else and that my feelings matter, even if I struggle to identify emotions.

Being treated as subhuman for so long led me to having insecurities that made me believe I was truly subhuman, but I neglected to see how people DID care as I got older.

>

I need to learn to trust people more and be able to open up. I built a fortress with no walls to protect myself, and I've done nothing but keep building bulkier defenses.

I need to be less toxic and hurtful to people, especially those I care about. I don't need weapons like these anymore.

>

I didn't trust anyone with how I ACTUALLY felt for feelings regarding myself, and I would contradict my own advice for others by acting as if I didn't know better.

It angered me to be confronted, but it took a few minutes for me to settle and realise that.. they were right about how I was being.

>

What I DIDN'T realise was just how much it affected how I acted.

I was mirroring the same abusive behaviours my parents had treated me with, and I was treating everyone like they were against me: being somewhat violent, verbally abusive, manipulative, and telling half-truths and lies.

>

I also knew that it was the reason why I had been suicidal since third grade, planned a suicide date while in middle school, lost all ambitions, and felt I was subhuman.

Hell, I had to CALL MY FOUND SISTER in November for comfort because I was so tired that I wanted to drive my car into a tree.

>

I knew a lot of the problems I have come from how I grew up. Always having to meet high expectations, being physically and emotionally abused by my parents, avoided and ignored by others..

I knew it fueled my hyper-independence, distrust of everyone, and need to help those who were struggling.

>

Large world?? Have fucking fun purifying that ONE town in hardmode you need for a pylon because you happened to build it where world gen decided to put a few of the random corruption spots, which makes you have to run back AGAIN

Seriously why the FUCK do those exist

If any of you are interested, check out my VGen [link in my carrd or my bio] for commissions and my portfolio of what I've done so far. I might want to make more recent pieces to add on as well. When it comes to streams, any subs, bits, and tips are always appreciated