There is no afterlife. A soul just stops existing on death. Even if there was a spirit, it fails on physical death. Software needs hardware, hardware is run by software. Remove one, it all falls dead. A husk of bio-electric current, there is no one without the other. We just stop existing.

I'll never find a partner, I'll just be used and abandoned. There is no future for me, no matter how hard I tried or even if I was offered. I am a waste of energy unless I'm serving and aiding others regardless of the conditions.

I just... Fuck this life. Fuck everyone who used and abused me. Fuck those who took advantage of me. Who dragged me, who kicked me, and who held me to the ground. I know a voice in my head keeps reminding me, it's my own fault. There was no future for me. I was raised just to do this job.

I just... Why didn't my body give out first? Why do I have to live with this stress? I wanted to be my own person. Seek out a life. Find the true me. I'll never get that now. I'm doomed, and the stress is going to kill me without a fight.

means we can be be ourselves and still have a lot of fun and try things.

It's why I realize now I kind of can have the 'sex' aspect of a connection both be wither separate or standard with anyone whom I can trust. And honestly... I kind of want to get past my touch avoidance so when I do find a partner who can be something more for me and who I can be more for them...

Namely I learned I'm not bad at sex, but I'm not good at it. I seem to produce more then expected, but I am a little rough to be with someone due to my general size. Honestly, I want to give more physical intimacy more chances, but I don't think I directly connect it to things like love, yet I can.

But it's swollen now to twice it's size... I can't see my urologist again till sometime in January, but if the pain starts happening again, I'll go to the ER and they will likely just send me home again.

To stop forcing being functional. not to just give up, but to let go. for whatever the result may be. Tonight I feel as if nothing I say or do matters.

But what's worse is not death, no... It's everything else. It's me likely having to live and suffer. Stuck in this horrible middle ground of not being functional and not being able to fix myself, or just having to grind gears and be 'normal' as my body gives out to suffering and failures.

I'm tired. So very tired... tired or urges and thoughts. tire of physical and mental tug of war. tired of failing others and myself. Tired of the masquerade of sanity. I wish I could give up like how others do and just... let go.