(3/3) So, I have to choose myself. I have to choose my own company over everything else.

I don't see my friendship losses as someone being toxic or bad. Sometimes a healthy organ just doesn't transplant well in another body. The organ isn't to blame, but it does have to be rejected and removed.

(2/3) By circumstances, most of out of my control, I've had to endure my own company, and then I realized I hadn't been loving my own company lately-- and now I do.

I feel more me than I have in a long time, which includes a lot of introspection. I'm never going to be picked first by anyone else.

Maybe the rope ladder is the sign that it's time to let that bitch fall into the gorge and stop trying to cross it for people who can't even be bothered to help build a fucking bridge and rely on you crossing shitty rope ladders to meet them.

Especially if they won't be direct until you push for direct. Then blame you for being the way you are, and how you process the world around you.

Then to top it off? Admit they're the same way, but they have better reasons for their own behaviors and neurotic mental backflips.

I hate it here. 🫠🙃😓

I deactivated FB because I was doomscrolling myself into depression. I have been keeping tabs on the political fuckery we're all in, but I'm fearful getting involved and doing the right thing will have my mouth writing a check my ass can't cash.

- either sends me into a spiral of self-doubt, and then I question whether or not I'm even capable of human interaction that doesn't result in someone getting hurt without me masking to a point of nonchalance.

It's the idea of having to watch every social interaction I make under a microscope because I have made such severe faux-pas as of recent that it's just easier for me to be alone.

I had been working on unmasking vs masking in social situations and I've merely come to find that trying to decide on -

I'm in contact with my providers for extended mental health measures, but even the thought of going to work has me filled with dread because I'm going to have to mask *hard* due to working with kids-- who are astute as hell when it comes to reading people.

It isn't even a fear of death or dying.

nor acknowledge effort being put in, or simply the fear of scrapping every interpersonal interaction I know to start from scratch.

So anyway, I'm over halfway through my life and I'm now trying to undo this line of thinking and there's a massive part of me that just doesn't want to put in the work for fear that no one else will either,

- *one* person backed off because they saw it as taking sides.

Time and time again, people have shown me I am not worth siding with in times of crisis-- while I acknowledge that many times I am flawed and mess up-- who can blame me for compartmentalizing so strictly?

Hell, people I was friends with up until a year ago *still* associate with my abuser when I asked they no longer do so. When I asked for support for when I needed to have an abortion and my partner at the time emotionally shut-down and ghosted me, everyone except *one* person backed off because -