this has been rattling around my brain for a while now

crunchatize me, daddy

Sucks that 30 Rock ended a decade ago or I could have gotten some serious mileage out of posting "Rizz Lemon"

When my laptop stops working I get it serviced at the Amish market down the street. It's now 70 percent wood and clockwork

Is he threatening to nuke San Francisco?

lonely? want to get punched in the dick? professional women's boxers are standing by, waiting for your call, and they're all wearing brass knuckles. just dial 1-900-COCK-OWW to start getting a barrage of violent blows straight to your shaft and balls. $3.99 the 1st minute $0.99 per additional minute

need a bad bitch to groom me

White chocolate was invented 6000 years ago by an evil confectioner named Yakub

Do not go gentle into that good night

writing my first sitcom pilot for NBC, about a dude whose dick got swapped with his left hand. for legal reasons too complicated to get into here it's called "Shrek on Ice"

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Ronald Reagan died 6969 days ago today. 1 reskeet is 1 piss on his grave

time to make specific credible threats