i'm sorry you have to live with that. are you safe? do you have long term plans?

change is the best form of forgiveness. it's also the hardest. i'm proud of you for the resolution, but be gentle on yourself too.
you said you want to join. is your family the main thing stopping you?

Check on a friend.
Message someone you haven't talked to in so long that it feels a little awkward.
Reach out to a stranger if you feel like you can stomach the embarrassment of maybe not being needed that time,
Because maybe another time it'll make their day.