Don’t let this happen to you. Know the warning signs of onanism: the drowsy, glazed eyes that morph into hypnotic saucers in the middle/spermatorrheal ophthalmia stages, followed by what appears to be becoming the man from Nantucket.

But did Broseph heed the warnings? No. Now he’s a mummified Abraham Lincoln and his son is auditioning for a Cormac McCarthy film.

Back to our healthy family. As the Dr. explains, “self-abuse” leads to all manner of disease, including spermatorrhea (obviously), consumption, and insanity. All these traits and general degeneration are passed to everyone else in the family.

First, I would show you a diagram of the “PENIS” or “YARD,” but someone has sliced it out of the book right here (surely for anti-onanism purposes), so you’ll have to use your mind’s eye to picture the pendant cylindrical organ.