And as the fantastic parent he claims to be, he is offended. Not concerned. Not engaged. Not addressing it.

Just offended that I noticed and spoke up.

When he ignores basics like eye tests and treats court orders as tools to attack me rather than follow, it becomes normal that the concern I raised has now become a real issue.

But the issue itself is a sign of neglect. A clear failure to parent. A by product of the squalor he insists is a happy home.

I explain an incident once. Calm and clear. After that, I step back. If the truth wasn’t heard or understood the first time, it will not be accepted the fifth or tenth time either.

Refusing to repeat myself is not giving up. It is reclaiming my power.

“Don’t respond” sounds impossible at first. It feels like letting them win. But it has become one of the most healing and freeing things I’ve learned.

But now I get it. I finally see why survivors say it. There is no point explaining to an abuser. No point offering proof. No point pointing out the contradictions they create.

This is not “co parenting conflict”.
This is not a civil disagreement.

This is abuse.

But I already know what the next reply will look like. The script never changes.

And it should not be acceptable that this is how communication is allowed to be.
It should not be normalised that ongoing abuse is dismissed simply because the email thread happens to mention children.

For someone who insists he “doesn’t want to talk about my husband”, he has dragged my husband into the conversation more than 15 times recently.

And every single time, I bring it back to the children.
I keep it focused.
I keep it calm.
I keep it about their needs.

One day, they’ll look back on their childhood and realise their father denied them the help they needed, kept them in chaos, and gave them a life far harder than it ever needed to be.

I suspect both my children are neurodivergent. Of course, their father refuses to acknowledge or allow support for this. So instead, they’re left to struggle, each in their own way.

And yet, somehow, family court still believes that a father who surrounds his children with chaos is what’s best for them.

So when an abuser refuses to plan, avoids structure, and fuels daily unpredictability, they are not just being disorganised. They are actively harming their children. They are starving them of the security and consistency every child deserves.

They don’t just live with him; they live inside his version of the world, and every conversation I have with them reminds me just how much that world has distorted the truth.

And he’ll repeat it over and over again until the children not only believe it, but say it with conviction.

That’s what coercive control looks like. It’s not just restriction or threats, it’s shaping their reality. It’s limiting their access to truth, to balance, to perspective.

He won’t say that poor financial choices and accountability are what keep him from moving back to the village, not the military, not the market, not anyone else.

What he will do is rewrite the truth to protect his image and avoid responsibility.

This is another fiction, repeated so often they believe it as fact. No, the cost of living has increased everywhere. But their father won’t tell them that. He won’t say he failed to pay rent for months, lost his job, earns less than he has in years, and was evicted.