her being like 'wel, i heard you are tarnished, what is your name? ...ah, i see. worry none, then, you may refer to me as cinder.' ah how i love you, descendant of solaire

all i want right now is to lie against her chest, head tuckde into her neck, her hand on my nape & on the small of my back, telling me theres nothing bad or shame about asking for a bare fucking minimum. so much guilt, how catholic

by no mean am i trying to make these posts virtue claiming or anything of the sort. the way i do these things & behave isnt out of charity or goodness but out of a need for self preservation & it is near Impossible to escape the downward spiral.

why do i find it weird (purely personal, no one else) that i want to be held by her. what is so guiltripping about my own yearning. why. whats so bad that me wanting love seems half dangerous - sure, because i never had it, but come on

i have yet to wonder if its bc it involves an exchange or commitment or simply bc i have lived in spite of my own damn self & never with people. i didnt live WITH people until i was 15 - i just lived around them, even today. i want to get out of this thought process & i want to get out of my mind

how do you tell someone u love them. bc i can do it for friends, id give anything for my friends. id give them the world, id give them all the love i have. i would, i will, i have. they have my patience & everything else. however in the FUCK do i ever do it romantically. how.

somedays i really dislike therapy because ill be crying like a tall child simply because my parents didnt care to actually raise the kid they apparently were ready for

& i know it is not the end of (.) because i am a person & i have love & softness i just wish i could stop beating into muself the way i was beaten into, i want to be kind not just outwardly but inwardly & im afraid to do it