Alice McFlurry
@alicemcflurry.bsky.social
Mostly one-liners at my own expense
Awkward AF
Midwest to West Coast
Awkward AF
Midwest to West Coast
Just watched the director's cut of Home Alone and I can't believe how much of this movie was originally dedicated to Kevin jizzing everywhere.
November 23, 2025 at 3:02 PM
Just watched the director's cut of Home Alone and I can't believe how much of this movie was originally dedicated to Kevin jizzing everywhere.
The most annoying thing about being pregnant has gotta be trying to hide your drinking for nine months.
November 22, 2025 at 3:02 PM
The most annoying thing about being pregnant has gotta be trying to hide your drinking for nine months.
Happy Pizza Night to all who celebrate!
November 21, 2025 at 3:03 PM
Happy Pizza Night to all who celebrate!
The server at the Olive Garden asked if we were celebrating anything special so I said never ending breadsticks and never having children.
November 20, 2025 at 3:14 PM
The server at the Olive Garden asked if we were celebrating anything special so I said never ending breadsticks and never having children.
[Consoling my husband after a minor inconvenience]
Me: Aw, my sad baby boy.
Him: I'm a man.
Me: Sorry, my sad baby man.
Me: Aw, my sad baby boy.
Him: I'm a man.
Me: Sorry, my sad baby man.
November 19, 2025 at 3:03 PM
[Consoling my husband after a minor inconvenience]
Me: Aw, my sad baby boy.
Him: I'm a man.
Me: Sorry, my sad baby man.
Me: Aw, my sad baby boy.
Him: I'm a man.
Me: Sorry, my sad baby man.
I’m not trying to rob any cradles because most babies don't have any money.
November 18, 2025 at 5:03 PM
I’m not trying to rob any cradles because most babies don't have any money.
No godzillas No masterzillas
November 17, 2025 at 5:05 PM
No godzillas No masterzillas
The vibe of the day is the Hitachi Magic Wand.
November 16, 2025 at 5:01 PM
The vibe of the day is the Hitachi Magic Wand.
I bet the inventor of the gif pronounced gherkin like jerkin.
November 15, 2025 at 5:01 PM
I bet the inventor of the gif pronounced gherkin like jerkin.
You need to be really smart to be able to play this dumb.
November 14, 2025 at 5:06 PM
You need to be really smart to be able to play this dumb.
The mechanic is always trying to upsell me on tire rotations and I’m like nice try but that's literally what those things do.
November 13, 2025 at 5:06 PM
The mechanic is always trying to upsell me on tire rotations and I’m like nice try but that's literally what those things do.
Apparently November 12th is when I post all of my dumb jokes about MTV's Cribs.
I want to get famous enough to appear on MTV’s Cribs so I can have that classic moment where I dramatically announce that “this is where the magic happens” only for me to open the door to a room with nothing in it aside from one of those boxes that magicians pretend to saw in half.
November 12, 2025 at 6:22 PM
Apparently November 12th is when I post all of my dumb jokes about MTV's Cribs.
I want to get "famous" enough to go on MTV's Cribs so I can take them on a tour of my "home" which is CLEARLY just rooms in an IKEA.
November 12, 2025 at 5:05 PM
I want to get "famous" enough to go on MTV's Cribs so I can take them on a tour of my "home" which is CLEARLY just rooms in an IKEA.
I’m very bad with names and internally associate people by notable attributes and that makes me live in fear of bumping into them and needing to introduce them to my husband.
This is my husband, Kevin.
Kevin, these are our neighbors, GossipMom and Mustache.
This is my husband, Kevin.
Kevin, these are our neighbors, GossipMom and Mustache.
November 11, 2025 at 5:18 PM
I’m very bad with names and internally associate people by notable attributes and that makes me live in fear of bumping into them and needing to introduce them to my husband.
This is my husband, Kevin.
Kevin, these are our neighbors, GossipMom and Mustache.
This is my husband, Kevin.
Kevin, these are our neighbors, GossipMom and Mustache.
I was just criticized for showing my cards, but if you had an extensive collection of Garbage Pail Kids, you'd be showing them off too.
November 10, 2025 at 5:04 PM
I was just criticized for showing my cards, but if you had an extensive collection of Garbage Pail Kids, you'd be showing them off too.
The difference between yoga and Pilates is yoga is people farting on exercise mats and Pilates is people farting on exercise equipment.
November 9, 2025 at 5:02 PM
The difference between yoga and Pilates is yoga is people farting on exercise mats and Pilates is people farting on exercise equipment.
Why do they call it dry humping when you still end up with semen all over your school uniform?
November 8, 2025 at 5:01 PM
Why do they call it dry humping when you still end up with semen all over your school uniform?
Request for a tomato shaped like a slice of bread.
November 7, 2025 at 5:03 PM
Request for a tomato shaped like a slice of bread.
If you wanna get with this, roll on up with a weighted blanket and then leave me alone with the blanket, babe.
November 6, 2025 at 5:04 PM
If you wanna get with this, roll on up with a weighted blanket and then leave me alone with the blanket, babe.
Kia is so dumb for announcing it's Kia Season because you KNOW I’m gonna start huntin' some Sportages.
November 5, 2025 at 5:02 PM
Kia is so dumb for announcing it's Kia Season because you KNOW I’m gonna start huntin' some Sportages.
Football and basketball time clocks are why I have trust issues.
November 4, 2025 at 5:05 PM
Football and basketball time clocks are why I have trust issues.
When I first started dating my husband, he had a twin bed and it was super awkward trying to fit on it, especially with his twin brother always being there.
November 3, 2025 at 5:04 PM
When I first started dating my husband, he had a twin bed and it was super awkward trying to fit on it, especially with his twin brother always being there.
Target was selling American Girl doll costumes so I'd like to remind everyone about who did it first because this was my costume from February of 2023 after I learned they released an American Girl doll from the "historical" 1990s and I already had almost all of the clothes in my closet.
November 2, 2025 at 9:31 PM
Target was selling American Girl doll costumes so I'd like to remind everyone about who did it first because this was my costume from February of 2023 after I learned they released an American Girl doll from the "historical" 1990s and I already had almost all of the clothes in my closet.
Nice guys finish last because they want to ensure the other person finishes first.
November 2, 2025 at 5:02 PM
Nice guys finish last because they want to ensure the other person finishes first.
Don’t forget to fall forward and spring back!
November 1, 2025 at 5:28 PM
Don’t forget to fall forward and spring back!