Alan Starzinski
@alanstarzinski.bsky.social
actor, comedian, writer, and taller than @robertdowneyjr SAG-AFTRA (he/they) IG: @alanstarzinski
They call it Spirit Airlines because you’re dead inside after flying with them.
December 3, 2025 at 8:41 PM
They call it Spirit Airlines because you’re dead inside after flying with them.
2025 is my least favorite decade.
December 3, 2025 at 4:19 PM
2025 is my least favorite decade.
Junkyards exist because men procrastinate recycling.
August 20, 2025 at 7:42 AM
Junkyards exist because men procrastinate recycling.
Name a more iconic duo, I’ll wait…
July 18, 2025 at 10:18 AM
Name a more iconic duo, I’ll wait…
Ugh. This wound is ABSCESSED with me!!!
June 18, 2025 at 5:05 PM
Ugh. This wound is ABSCESSED with me!!!
Ugh. This wound is ABSCESSED with me!!!
June 18, 2025 at 5:03 PM
Ugh. This wound is ABSCESSED with me!!!
Where is everyone going for their Conclave viewing party????
April 30, 2025 at 2:32 AM
Where is everyone going for their Conclave viewing party????
I can’t wait for all those bishops to blaze up who the new pope is.
April 23, 2025 at 6:44 AM
I can’t wait for all those bishops to blaze up who the new pope is.
The toilet after @CoryBooker finished his speech.
April 2, 2025 at 12:28 AM
The toilet after @CoryBooker finished his speech.
It should be said that @rachelzegler is a wonderful actress and it’s not her fault no one wants to see a movie with a wooden actor with a deficit of talent that is @GalGadot
March 26, 2025 at 8:47 AM
It should be said that @rachelzegler is a wonderful actress and it’s not her fault no one wants to see a movie with a wooden actor with a deficit of talent that is @GalGadot
What if I have a problem with any gender playing sports?
March 25, 2025 at 5:26 AM
What if I have a problem with any gender playing sports?
You want me to read the people’s subtext? You mean that thing that says I should leave?? No thanks!
March 20, 2025 at 7:39 AM
You want me to read the people’s subtext? You mean that thing that says I should leave?? No thanks!
This can’t possibly be the BEST Western?!?!?
March 19, 2025 at 4:35 AM
This can’t possibly be the BEST Western?!?!?
Most men don't realize the luxury we have that we can post instagram stories in real time without worrying if people are going to find out where we are and follow us there.
March 17, 2025 at 9:54 PM
Most men don't realize the luxury we have that we can post instagram stories in real time without worrying if people are going to find out where we are and follow us there.
I hope this email finds you withered and clutching to your last threads of life wheezing each breath barely escapes from your lungs as you are praying you’ll be back to your once spry self so that I can tell you, it’s Vicky’s birthday and there is cake in the break room today.
March 11, 2025 at 3:36 PM
I hope this email finds you withered and clutching to your last threads of life wheezing each breath barely escapes from your lungs as you are praying you’ll be back to your once spry self so that I can tell you, it’s Vicky’s birthday and there is cake in the break room today.
Zelensky and Trump today:
March 1, 2025 at 7:36 AM
Zelensky and Trump today:
Probably my least favorite neighborhood in NYC.
February 20, 2025 at 9:36 PM
Probably my least favorite neighborhood in NYC.
Life was better when you couldn’t watch videos on the club.
February 16, 2025 at 8:52 AM
Life was better when you couldn’t watch videos on the club.
Reposted by Alan Starzinski
Can’t believe they’re showing Drake’s funeral for the #SuperBowl halftime.
February 10, 2025 at 1:15 AM
Can’t believe they’re showing Drake’s funeral for the #SuperBowl halftime.
Me: Do I want BUTT or CREAM on my cake?
Baker: No, I asked if the icing y-
Me: Butt.
Baker: No, I asked if the icing y-
Me: Butt.
February 3, 2025 at 7:43 AM
Me: Do I want BUTT or CREAM on my cake?
Baker: No, I asked if the icing y-
Me: Butt.
Baker: No, I asked if the icing y-
Me: Butt.
The Chicks (Dixie Chicks) are punk.
February 3, 2025 at 1:31 AM
The Chicks (Dixie Chicks) are punk.
Reposted by Alan Starzinski
‼️ The State Department has REMOVED TQIA+ on their page of recommendations for queer travelers. This page yesterday said "LGBTQIA+" and now just says "LGB".
The federal government is trying to erase trans people from existence.
The federal government is trying to erase trans people from existence.
January 31, 2025 at 7:56 PM
‼️ The State Department has REMOVED TQIA+ on their page of recommendations for queer travelers. This page yesterday said "LGBTQIA+" and now just says "LGB".
The federal government is trying to erase trans people from existence.
The federal government is trying to erase trans people from existence.
Oh, you think YOU’RE petty? You ever unfriend someone on VENMO? Yeah, we are not the same.
January 31, 2025 at 12:49 AM
Oh, you think YOU’RE petty? You ever unfriend someone on VENMO? Yeah, we are not the same.
Before you even TRY to “Babygirl” me just know ONE thing… it will work.
January 30, 2025 at 7:19 PM
Before you even TRY to “Babygirl” me just know ONE thing… it will work.