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@ailurosapphic.bsky.social
30. queer. non-binary. interests: books, cooking, writing, art, education, cats. sometimes can get nsfw.
My mental health is more important than maintaining that grandmother bond. She did too much for there to even be a hope of salvaging the relationship. Yet I’m still deeply sad that I can’t have it. It’s such a specific ache that’s hard to talk about.
January 19, 2026 at 8:42 AM
My mental health is more important than maintaining that grandmother bond. She did too much for there to even be a hope of salvaging the relationship. Yet I’m still deeply sad that I can’t have it. It’s such a specific ache that’s hard to talk about.
I’m slowly pulling back from my grandmother and back from the fear she caused. I stopped going up there. I stopped randomly messaging or calling her. Last year I stopped with birthday calls. I’m nearly free.
January 19, 2026 at 8:42 AM
I’m slowly pulling back from my grandmother and back from the fear she caused. I stopped going up there. I stopped randomly messaging or calling her. Last year I stopped with birthday calls. I’m nearly free.
I should be able to ask her for recipes, to share artwork with her, to discuss our most recent reads, to ask for advice on why a plant isn’t doing well, to send her silly pictures of my cats. I can’t do any of that. It’s too much.
January 19, 2026 at 8:42 AM
I should be able to ask her for recipes, to share artwork with her, to discuss our most recent reads, to ask for advice on why a plant isn’t doing well, to send her silly pictures of my cats. I can’t do any of that. It’s too much.
All this to say that I wish I could’ve had that relationship. I wish it hadn’t been toxic and abusive. I wish I could’ve had a grandmother that I actually felt like loved and supported me. I will never actually have that.
January 19, 2026 at 8:42 AM
All this to say that I wish I could’ve had that relationship. I wish it hadn’t been toxic and abusive. I wish I could’ve had a grandmother that I actually felt like loved and supported me. I will never actually have that.
And all of that? That’s just the tip of the iceberg of what she said and did. These are just select moments that easily come to mind. There are so many more things that happened. She destroyed any possibility of a relationship between us.
January 19, 2026 at 8:42 AM
And all of that? That’s just the tip of the iceberg of what she said and did. These are just select moments that easily come to mind. There are so many more things that happened. She destroyed any possibility of a relationship between us.
That stare was a huge part of why she called me heartless. It was me retreating into the safe space of my mind to avoid the emotions she was causing in me. And that was one of the things she couldn’t stand.
January 19, 2026 at 8:42 AM
That stare was a huge part of why she called me heartless. It was me retreating into the safe space of my mind to avoid the emotions she was causing in me. And that was one of the things she couldn’t stand.
It was first holding back tears, because those were manipulative when I shed them. Over time, it turned to anger. I’d be mentally crashing out and destroying the dining room, while staring at her and nodding along to what she was saying.
January 19, 2026 at 8:42 AM
It was first holding back tears, because those were manipulative when I shed them. Over time, it turned to anger. I’d be mentally crashing out and destroying the dining room, while staring at her and nodding along to what she was saying.
She had always had an issue with what she called my “dead fish” stare. That was something I was doing a lot that day. What is this at stare? It’s where I’m focused on her (she’d be mad otherwise) and trying to hold in my emotions.
January 19, 2026 at 8:42 AM
She had always had an issue with what she called my “dead fish” stare. That was something I was doing a lot that day. What is this at stare? It’s where I’m focused on her (she’d be mad otherwise) and trying to hold in my emotions.
She told me I was incapable of empathy, that I was some sort of psychopath. Her words, not my own. She said that I would end up miserable and alone because I didn’t have the capacity for love. I only cared for myself. I was narcissistic and manipulative.
January 19, 2026 at 8:42 AM
She told me I was incapable of empathy, that I was some sort of psychopath. Her words, not my own. She said that I would end up miserable and alone because I didn’t have the capacity for love. I only cared for myself. I was narcissistic and manipulative.
I didn’t know what I’d done wrong. I had already been there for nearly two weeks. Things had been mostly fine. Yet she was crashing out over me not wanting to stay extra long. She lashed out at me with everything she had.
January 19, 2026 at 8:42 AM
I didn’t know what I’d done wrong. I had already been there for nearly two weeks. Things had been mostly fine. Yet she was crashing out over me not wanting to stay extra long. She lashed out at me with everything she had.
My grandmother cried. She said that I was heartless. She said she never wanted to see me again. In her mind, I was old enough to be the one making the final decision. Agreeing with my mother was as good as saying that I didn’t want to be there.
January 19, 2026 at 8:42 AM
My grandmother cried. She said that I was heartless. She said she never wanted to see me again. In her mind, I was old enough to be the one making the final decision. Agreeing with my mother was as good as saying that I didn’t want to be there.
The phone call came. I asked. She gave her answer. I didn’t fight her answer and agreed that I’d go home at the initial date. Somehow this was the worst thing I’d ever done. I had made the wrong choice to not fight back against my mother.
January 19, 2026 at 8:42 AM
The phone call came. I asked. She gave her answer. I didn’t fight her answer and agreed that I’d go home at the initial date. Somehow this was the worst thing I’d ever done. I had made the wrong choice to not fight back against my mother.
I had texted my mom in advance to tell her to hold firm to the initial leave date. I didn’t want to stay longer, but I didn’t want to be the one to say that. I knew there’d be consequences if I did. My mom agreed to her part in things.
January 19, 2026 at 8:42 AM
I had texted my mom in advance to tell her to hold firm to the initial leave date. I didn’t want to stay longer, but I didn’t want to be the one to say that. I knew there’d be consequences if I did. My mom agreed to her part in things.
The worst moment of it all was when I was 17/18 and staying with her. I had already been there for nearly two weeks. My time to go home was coming up but she wanted me to ask my mom to extend my time with her.
January 19, 2026 at 8:42 AM
The worst moment of it all was when I was 17/18 and staying with her. I had already been there for nearly two weeks. My time to go home was coming up but she wanted me to ask my mom to extend my time with her.
Why was I failing school? I had severe depression and undiagnosed adhd. I was smart, but I couldn’t apply myself. I had friends with fantastic grades, but that didn’t change my own performance. But those weren’t things that she wanted to understand.
January 19, 2026 at 8:42 AM
Why was I failing school? I had severe depression and undiagnosed adhd. I was smart, but I couldn’t apply myself. I had friends with fantastic grades, but that didn’t change my own performance. But those weren’t things that she wanted to understand.
I was getting poor grades. Why? She’d say it was because I was lazy and wanting to try and get at my mother by failing. She’d also say that I must be surrounding myself with failures of friends and I was failing as well to seem “cool” and fit in.
January 19, 2026 at 8:42 AM
I was getting poor grades. Why? She’d say it was because I was lazy and wanting to try and get at my mother by failing. She’d also say that I must be surrounding myself with failures of friends and I was failing as well to seem “cool” and fit in.
She always said she loved me and was trying to protect me from that future, but she also never made the attempt to understand me. She always assumed she knew my motivations for things. She supposedly knew me better than anyone else ever could.
January 19, 2026 at 8:42 AM
She always said she loved me and was trying to protect me from that future, but she also never made the attempt to understand me. She always assumed she knew my motivations for things. She supposedly knew me better than anyone else ever could.
Much like with the first two scenarios, everything would link back to this inevitable fate of ending up with an abusive man and having a gaggle of kids that I’d have to try and raise practically on my own. That was the future she saw for me.
January 19, 2026 at 8:42 AM
Much like with the first two scenarios, everything would link back to this inevitable fate of ending up with an abusive man and having a gaggle of kids that I’d have to try and raise practically on my own. That was the future she saw for me.
So you can see how these small things become these big issues for her. She finds some reason to hate on something and make it my problem. But then things never stopped at just being upset about that one thing.
January 19, 2026 at 8:42 AM
So you can see how these small things become these big issues for her. She finds some reason to hate on something and make it my problem. But then things never stopped at just being upset about that one thing.