Brandishing nothing other than the power of math, I am riding out into the tundra with my TI-84 lite to search for my missing finger. Displaying how many eyes I used to have and wearing my Spirit Halloween crown, I'm indicating that today I'm "having it my way."

My late grandfather was the embodiment of DOGE's mission. He wheeled around the countryside on his unicycle reclaiming potatoes from the lazy children who spent all day frolicking in the potato fields instead of responding to spam emails. Not having electricity is never an excuse.

If day-old gas station tuna salad is wrong, then I don't want to be right. Condiment bot and I are both hard at work squeezing out some extra mayo before we dig in.

I don't always kick ass, but when I do, I'm doing it while having a mid-life crisis from my living room couch. Life has been going downhill ever since I had my thumb chomped off by the neighbor's red panda.

Mary and I took the plunge and had a ceiling pool installed above our indoor pool. We're one step closer to achieving our dream of having dolphins in the ceiling instead of squirrels and raccoons.

In honor of today's boycott, I'll be giving a violin recital with Rosa the Otter. Rosa was an Amazon warehouse employee before she was accidentally packed and shipped to me with my order of clams. Now we play music to raise awareness for workers' rights. I handle the bow, and she presses the frets.

It has been 6 years since the tragic clown car crash that took my second favorite eye. Being the only survivors, Mr. Jingles and I return to the same rainy leather couch we crashed into and pay tribute to our lost colleagues.

Taking the train to work tonight with our mascot Cornstalk. Stop by and get a free large fries with any Corn Cob Combo meal all weekend!