it’s ok for something you’ve wanted for a long time to not meet your expectations but i’m grateful that this is.

sigh. my hand is getting tired because i’m typing one handed on the train but there’s something here about pedagogy and design and the fundamental mindset i approach all my teaching tasks with that im trying to unpick and unravel.

if i want them to attend class, if i think physical presence is important, i should make it worthwhile to attend class.

after years of struggling to figure all that out for myself, the trial and error and research and mistakes and learning, why wouldn’t i do the same for my students?

put my meds right next to my bed and always have water at night so i can take them immediately. pursue work i love so it always feels worthwhile. wear comfortable clothes that make me feel my best so it’s never a barrier to going outside.

environment. perspective. framing. understanding.

so i had to dig into the roots: why is this hard? what makes this difficult or hard or emotionally taxing for me? i either can’t change myself or can’t change quickly enough or all at once so what CAN i change?

and after the meds it not being light enough or easy or simple or focused meant i would get caught up trying to optimize it and spend too much time on maintenance and no time on living or creating.

as easy as possible to shower every day, wake up on time, check and manage my notes and calendars and messaging apps and emails. because before the meds it not being easy or fun or enjoyable enough to overcome the inertia meant it would never happen and i’d hate myself for it.

ah i just want to teach it so badly,,,, i yearn for it,,,, i just feel like i'll really truly be in my element then

guess it’s a good confirmation for me tho, didn’t expect to be as disappointed about going even a single quarter without teaching as i am!! LOL same person who was all “i don’t know if i ever want to teach again” and “idk if this is for me” after TAP a few years ago