9. ... I ask over, and sometimes multiple times, if it's okay to share, because I've just felt so shameful about talking about it as other people's silence and uncomfortableness bounce back onto me.

I'm just tired. (heheh, don't dad joke me you gremlins)

8. I just want to exist, and share a bit about myself with other people. I can't keep hiding that my husband was murdered and that I'm having frustrations with the legal process.

If I share details, it's in a supposed safe space behind a spoiler and trigger warning. It's why, in my anxiety...

7. It doesn't help that -- when someone gets murdered -- people look at it and wonder what did *that* person do to deserve it?

Combined together with the feelings of being othered and alone in such a traumatic way makes it hard. Stupidly, it feels shameful, especially as a people pleaser.

6. One of the things I've struggled greatly with as a homicide survivor is the community component.

Widows groups I've been in don't tend to have homicide widows.

Grief and loss groups don't tend to have traumatic, violent grief experiences.

In a way, it feels shameful to lose someone this way.

5. It felt like a big middle finger, even if it wasn't meant to be. Just another instance of "no, your experience isn't welcome here." It makes them feel uncomfortable, so shut up.

But: this is my lived experience and not a dirty secret.

I get plenty of MH support, but not community support.

4. ... which made me feel less alone for the first time in forever.

We were all very supportive with each other and not dumping in the least; this made me upset to find out the next morning that the channel was closed and someone posted about mental health resources.

and I went... what??? HUH?

3. One of the places I frequented quickly trialed and closed a vent channel, and I feel partially to blame for it. It occurred almost directly after I vented about something process related and opened up about how Gwyn died, in spoilers.

Someone else had a similar experience and shared...

2. I'M SHY TO BRING HIM UP AT TIMES.

I know, culturally, a lot of us suck at dealing with death and grief. I want to yap my head off about my experience, but I've encountered enough uncomfortable people that I'm struggling.

It doesn't help that something happened recently that is very related.

1. TALK TO ME ABOUT GWYN! ASK QUESTIONS! SAY SOMETHING!

People are so scared to bring him up because (I'm assuming) they're thinking it might cause grief. This is my shout out to the world to say IT'S OKAY!!! Me and a lot of other widows want to be asked and reminded that their loved one existed.

art by vgen.co/ubenchiz!

Throwing my wishlist in! throne.com/acanthafait

... acceptable.

this is you

THANK U 😭