I prefer datae

So you've met our Air Force

This is DES not DESI (I made the same mistake...)

Where do you put the witchcraft on the Canadian Common CV?

The emeritus:
I have a new theory of MAGNETISM!

The rant:
[obscure idea nobody has heard about] is bad, and you should feel bad. Why is everyone so obsessed with [obscure idea nobody has heard about]?

The phenomenologist:
We did a global fit to the data with 802 free parameters, and we have concluded absolutely nothing. Let me spend most of the talk explaining statistics to you.

The Model Builder (who has never heard of an experiment):
Here’s my SU(8)xSO(1)xZ2 model. It requires 81 spacetime dimensions, and the Universe is a torus the size of Ohio. Neat, right?

The Model Builder (who has half-listened to some experimental talks and really didn’t like it):
Here’s my SU(8)xSO(1)xZ2 model with three symmetry-breaking mechanisms and a complete cosmology, and unifies gravity & quantum mechanics. It evades all constraints and can never be detected or falsified.

The Model Builder (who has half-listened to some experimental talks)
Here’s my SU(8)xSO(1)xZ2 model with three symmetry-breaking mechanisms and a complete cosmology. It explains dark matter, dark energy, and predicts the outcome of every US election. You all can stop working now, I’ve solved it.

The Very Large Experiment talk (given by a theorist):
If you guys just built a higgsino-leptoquark collider like I want you to, we can discover all physics, cure cancer, and solve climate change.

The Very Large Experiment talk:
Here is a slide with 8 million graphs on it with no titles and axes that are too small to read. I will describe one in excruciating detail. I will not tell you which one.

The Junior faculty talk:
I am going to overexplain everything because I’ve only talked to undergrads in the past year.