one must imagine the itsy-bitsy spider happy

I’ve invented a new type of time travel. It’s called ADHD and it means you’re surprised every single time you check the clock

When I say “past hyperfixations” what I really mean is “sleeper agents ready to come back at full force the the moment I think about them for more than five seconds”

I like to pretend I’m interesting but my favorite drink is literally water

I feel bad for meteorologists in New England. It’s probably just a bunch of wild guessing

I’m pretty decent at improvisational acting given that I’m terrible at lying on the spot, which is, yknow, the main point of improv

“Why did the chicken cross the road?” is the Sigmund Freud of jokes.

- considered the original
- not really that good
- inspired people to do better
- still referenced but never unironically