He will be baked, and then there will be cake.

With spaces it's Shíjiāzhuāng shítáng tè màoyì yǒuxiàn gōngsī (in Simplified Chinese it's 石家庄食堂特贸易有限公司), or "Shijiazhuang Canteen Special Trading Co., Ltd."; Shijiazhuang is the name of a city.

I wonder why no-one bought these

The Illinois Enemy Bidet, I heard he's on the loose (I heard he's on the loose)

(applying EQ and other types of filters to audio devices, I mean)

Equalizer APO can do that on Windows iirc