I want to make enough money where I can give friends $100 if they needed it and be comfortable with no expectation of them paying me back

Non-Trump Supporters: hey we're worried about our future and dont know what to do about it

Joe: i'm bouta drop to my knees and make God's toes curl with the craziest prayjob he's ever received

I avoid interacting with my female coworkers bc they're judgmental, rumor-spreading assholes. So instead of considering if they could be unlikeable, they made up a lie that I avoid them bc I'm an alcoholic and dont want to get caught

Imagine if I actually talked about my personal life with them smh

always wear a blindfold when you go to the bathroom so you dont see your penis and become gay

Man I'm thirsty. I sure could go for a glass of brominated vegetable oil, red 40, and titanium dioxide.

With some aspartame and high fructose corn syrup for flavor, of course

Clear pants aren't popular because we can see them fog up when you fart

need me a lady who goes "yoink" when she reaches into my pants

Idk if I can listen to the new kendrick album, I heard he uses a slur? How inappropriate :/

I will not look for my Twitter mutuals, I will simply scream into the void until I am found

They're clowning on us in the "Bernie won in 2016" timeline

I will be the first cisman to acquire 10 followers on New Twitter