i guess it’s a good thing when i don’t post on here. things have been good. i’ve got another trip coming up. i’m excited to hold my partner in my arms again. i’ve really got nothing to complain about right now. i love it.

i’m so tired of hiding. like feeling like i’m living some kind of secret life. i’m gonna come out to my mom tomorrow. i thought i could just patiently wait for more people to accept trans ppl before i would come out but it’s clearly not gonna magically happen.

trying to figure out when i started feeling this way. and why. not that it really matters, but it’s weird. i can’t exactly pinpoint when or what caused it. at some point my brain just decided i was gonna feel this way randomly forever.

i’ve spent years saying “yeah i can move across the country. not like i’ve got anything keeping me here” but honestly i’ve so desperately wanted a reason to stay. i just want a reason. someone to beg me not to leave.

still waiting to be out of this rut. i covered the mirrors in my room with blankets today. i couldn’t see myself and not cry. i wish i was born right.

calling out for this shit is so embarrassing. i know it’s for the best but i have to call my boss and be like “sorry my brain wants to destroy itself i can’t come in today” and that makes me feel so vulnerable. id rather just have the flu or some shit

trying to keep my head above water this time feels harder than ever before. i think i might have to call out today. i haven’t been sleeping.