Anyone else getting really fucking fed up with the voices in your head telling you to do things, like dude I’m not gonna do what you ask if you keep screaming at me throughout the night, like it just drains all of my motivation and now I don’t want to do anything

Some people have real secrets and some people have made their entire personality about not liking pickles but accidentally ate one on a burger and kinda enjoyed it a little bit before picking them off.

If I was Sherlock Holmes i wouldn’t waste my awesome detective skills by solving mysteries, me and Watson would spend our time harassing British people and hitting them with sticks

What ever happened to Chris Angel? It’s like one day he just disappeared or something? Like some kind of magician.

I think lying can be okay if it makes the liar feel good.

Her: ”how did you get so good at giving head?”

“I work out a lot”

Gym employee: “sir please stop licking the floor in between pushups, you’re upsetting the other members.”

*on my 14th pushup*: “it tastes so bad”

*sees my ex’s post on ig with her new boyfriend*
“Im glad she’s happy with him! They look really cute and he seems like a good guy!”

The silverfish on my wall: “hey man it’s really nice to see that you’re mature enough to be happy for them! I’m really proud of all the progress you’ve made!”

I don’t want to see the friends who liked a post before me, show me the ones who liked a post after I liked it first, I am a pioneer, a Shepard, show me my sheep.

Doing the opposite of what my co star told me just to feel something

This and some premarital