having my life "pass before my eyes" in a near death experience and realizing the studio gave me WAY too much leeway on the assembly cut 🤦‍♂️

9 times out of 10 the fun socks I'm wearing go unnoticed, and that's okay, more whimsy for me

There's 👏 no 👏 law 👏 that 👏 says 👏 you 👏 can't 👏 use 👏 two 👏 pillow 👏 cases 👏 on 👏 one 👏 pillow👏

Trump: all unlikely animal friends are to be put down

Democrats: *crickets*

Trump: have the crickets slaughtered too

me, at 3am getting water while trying not to lose my sleepiness:

DOCTOR: You may want to be seated for the news I'm about to share...

ME: *sits criss-cross applesauce*

DOCTOR: ...not like that

does anyone know who the CEO is of Christmas lights that EXPLODE after just slightly tapping the floor?

woah... okay anyone else get like the EXACT same Spotify Wrapped they got last year? 🤯🤯🤯

ME: you okay?

TAROT CARD READER: it's just- no one's ever got the swords through the head guy so many times in a row

ME: [drops another💰] ...I mean, couldn't hurt asking just oneee more time if this is the microblog that will finally validate me, right?