Star Of Bethel Church 🌟, Dorking
@starofbethel.bsky.social
A conservative CofE church in Dorking that is run by Pastor Tim, not his (much brighter) wife Penny.
Heterosexual higher rate taxpayers are welcome (parody)
Heterosexual higher rate taxpayers are welcome (parody)
Pastor Tim has been on the phone to Overseer William. Apparently Synod is going "BRILLIANTLY" in that everyone has forgotten about LLF in all the excitment of safeguarding.
Pastor Tim does an excited little jiggle dance in his office that the gays still haven't won.
Pastor Tim does an excited little jiggle dance in his office that the gays still haven't won.
February 14, 2025 at 1:15 PM
Pastor Tim has been on the phone to Overseer William. Apparently Synod is going "BRILLIANTLY" in that everyone has forgotten about LLF in all the excitment of safeguarding.
Pastor Tim does an excited little jiggle dance in his office that the gays still haven't won.
Pastor Tim does an excited little jiggle dance in his office that the gays still haven't won.
"Penny?"
"Mmm?"
"I think it's time I wrote a new worship song. I thought I'd call it "Lament for Synod, Turn to God ("Synod, Synod, God! God! woah". What do you think?"
"Please dont."
"Mmm?"
"I think it's time I wrote a new worship song. I thought I'd call it "Lament for Synod, Turn to God ("Synod, Synod, God! God! woah". What do you think?"
"Please dont."
February 10, 2025 at 1:31 PM
"Penny?"
"Mmm?"
"I think it's time I wrote a new worship song. I thought I'd call it "Lament for Synod, Turn to God ("Synod, Synod, God! God! woah". What do you think?"
"Please dont."
"Mmm?"
"I think it's time I wrote a new worship song. I thought I'd call it "Lament for Synod, Turn to God ("Synod, Synod, God! God! woah". What do you think?"
"Please dont."
"Trudje, do we know how many of the congregation have voted for me to be Archbishop of Canterbury? If it's more than like a thousand I think we should put out a press release before Synod starts."
"I'm not sure anyone has voted for you Tim."
"What? Not even you or Penny?"
"...."
"I'm not sure anyone has voted for you Tim."
"What? Not even you or Penny?"
"...."
February 10, 2025 at 12:49 PM
"Trudje, do we know how many of the congregation have voted for me to be Archbishop of Canterbury? If it's more than like a thousand I think we should put out a press release before Synod starts."
"I'm not sure anyone has voted for you Tim."
"What? Not even you or Penny?"
"...."
"I'm not sure anyone has voted for you Tim."
"What? Not even you or Penny?"
"...."
“Penny! Penny! PENNY!!”
“What is it, darling?”
“The govt has asked the public to nominate people to be Archbishop!”
“And?”
“Well, it’s obvious isn’t it? This is a sign from God that I should be Archbishop. I’m going to live in a PALACE!”
“Err.”
“What?”
[sighs] “Nothing darling.”
“What is it, darling?”
“The govt has asked the public to nominate people to be Archbishop!”
“And?”
“Well, it’s obvious isn’t it? This is a sign from God that I should be Archbishop. I’m going to live in a PALACE!”
“Err.”
“What?”
[sighs] “Nothing darling.”
February 8, 2025 at 3:36 PM
“Penny! Penny! PENNY!!”
“What is it, darling?”
“The govt has asked the public to nominate people to be Archbishop!”
“And?”
“Well, it’s obvious isn’t it? This is a sign from God that I should be Archbishop. I’m going to live in a PALACE!”
“Err.”
“What?”
[sighs] “Nothing darling.”
“What is it, darling?”
“The govt has asked the public to nominate people to be Archbishop!”
“And?”
“Well, it’s obvious isn’t it? This is a sign from God that I should be Archbishop. I’m going to live in a PALACE!”
“Err.”
“What?”
[sighs] “Nothing darling.”
Please can all covenanted members of StarOfBethel 🌟 remember to vote for Pastor Tim to be Archbishop? He’s had a prophetic picture that God has chosen him. It was to do with horns and walls. It was a bit blurry tbh.
Thanks. Trüdje.
Thanks. Trüdje.
February 8, 2025 at 3:36 PM
Please can all covenanted members of StarOfBethel 🌟 remember to vote for Pastor Tim to be Archbishop? He’s had a prophetic picture that God has chosen him. It was to do with horns and walls. It was a bit blurry tbh.
Thanks. Trüdje.
Thanks. Trüdje.
"Penny?"
"Hmm"
"That wretched @cathynewman.bsky.social on Channel 4 is going to out another Iwerne man tonight. When is she going to stop for heaven's sake? It's so damaging."
"Maybe when she's outed all the abusers?"
"Surely preserving the church is more important?"
"No Tim, it isn't. "
"Hmm"
"That wretched @cathynewman.bsky.social on Channel 4 is going to out another Iwerne man tonight. When is she going to stop for heaven's sake? It's so damaging."
"Maybe when she's outed all the abusers?"
"Surely preserving the church is more important?"
"No Tim, it isn't. "
February 6, 2025 at 10:25 AM
"Penny?"
"Hmm"
"That wretched @cathynewman.bsky.social on Channel 4 is going to out another Iwerne man tonight. When is she going to stop for heaven's sake? It's so damaging."
"Maybe when she's outed all the abusers?"
"Surely preserving the church is more important?"
"No Tim, it isn't. "
"Hmm"
"That wretched @cathynewman.bsky.social on Channel 4 is going to out another Iwerne man tonight. When is she going to stop for heaven's sake? It's so damaging."
"Maybe when she's outed all the abusers?"
"Surely preserving the church is more important?"
"No Tim, it isn't. "
Reminder, the February half term Noah's Ark™️ children's club at Star of Bethel🌟 is booking up fast. Trudje is keen to point out that your children can't get their travel vaccinations last minute and they won't be allowed into Kenya without at least a Yellow Fever certificate.
January 20, 2025 at 11:39 AM
Reminder, the February half term Noah's Ark™️ children's club at Star of Bethel🌟 is booking up fast. Trudje is keen to point out that your children can't get their travel vaccinations last minute and they won't be allowed into Kenya without at least a Yellow Fever certificate.
"Penny?"
"Mmm?"
"Do you think the fact I wasn't made an overseer by Pastor WIlliam increases my chances of being made Archbishop?"
"Well, technically I suppose it does?"
"What do you mean, 'technically'?"
"Well, how can I put this?"
"I'm going to write to the King."
"Yes dear."
"Mmm?"
"Do you think the fact I wasn't made an overseer by Pastor WIlliam increases my chances of being made Archbishop?"
"Well, technically I suppose it does?"
"What do you mean, 'technically'?"
"Well, how can I put this?"
"I'm going to write to the King."
"Yes dear."
January 6, 2025 at 10:29 AM
"Penny?"
"Mmm?"
"Do you think the fact I wasn't made an overseer by Pastor WIlliam increases my chances of being made Archbishop?"
"Well, technically I suppose it does?"
"What do you mean, 'technically'?"
"Well, how can I put this?"
"I'm going to write to the King."
"Yes dear."
"Mmm?"
"Do you think the fact I wasn't made an overseer by Pastor WIlliam increases my chances of being made Archbishop?"
"Well, technically I suppose it does?"
"What do you mean, 'technically'?"
"Well, how can I put this?"
"I'm going to write to the King."
"Yes dear."
Pastor Tim is cross. His dumbed down all-age ephiphany talk which he hated writing because it only mentioned the Apostle Paul and sin once, was judged (by a covenanted member of the congregation who has been to Oak Hill) as his "best ever - at last I understood what you were saying."
Poor Tim.
Poor Tim.
January 5, 2025 at 1:32 PM
Pastor Tim is cross. His dumbed down all-age ephiphany talk which he hated writing because it only mentioned the Apostle Paul and sin once, was judged (by a covenanted member of the congregation who has been to Oak Hill) as his "best ever - at last I understood what you were saying."
Poor Tim.
Poor Tim.
Pastor Tim is struggling with his epiphany talk. It's an all age service which he hates as he has to dumb everything down. Then there's the problem of a bunch of foreigners worshiping Jesus. Why couldn't they have come from England? Or France even? It makes it so tricky.
January 4, 2025 at 12:33 PM
Pastor Tim is struggling with his epiphany talk. It's an all age service which he hates as he has to dumb everything down. Then there's the problem of a bunch of foreigners worshiping Jesus. Why couldn't they have come from England? Or France even? It makes it so tricky.
"So Penny..."
"Mmm?"
"Now that Christmas is done, I thought I would start another StarSermonSeries™️"
"Christmas isn't done."
"Yes it is."
"Christmas ends at Candlemas"
"What are you talking about?"
"Tim, literally what were you doing at Ridley?"
"Reading Wisden mainly."
"Mmm?"
"Now that Christmas is done, I thought I would start another StarSermonSeries™️"
"Christmas isn't done."
"Yes it is."
"Christmas ends at Candlemas"
"What are you talking about?"
"Tim, literally what were you doing at Ridley?"
"Reading Wisden mainly."
January 4, 2025 at 12:29 PM
"So Penny..."
"Mmm?"
"Now that Christmas is done, I thought I would start another StarSermonSeries™️"
"Christmas isn't done."
"Yes it is."
"Christmas ends at Candlemas"
"What are you talking about?"
"Tim, literally what were you doing at Ridley?"
"Reading Wisden mainly."
"Mmm?"
"Now that Christmas is done, I thought I would start another StarSermonSeries™️"
"Christmas isn't done."
"Yes it is."
"Christmas ends at Candlemas"
"What are you talking about?"
"Tim, literally what were you doing at Ridley?"
"Reading Wisden mainly."
"Tim, you've had an email from the Diocese.. someone has complained against you under the Clergy Disciplinary Measure (whatever that is) saying that you refused them entry to a service because they were a gay couple. Something about "conduct unbecoming."
"Ignore it."
"Ok"
"Ignore it."
"Ok"
December 12, 2024 at 11:39 AM
"Tim, you've had an email from the Diocese.. someone has complained against you under the Clergy Disciplinary Measure (whatever that is) saying that you refused them entry to a service because they were a gay couple. Something about "conduct unbecoming."
"Ignore it."
"Ok"
"Ignore it."
"Ok"
"Trudje, have you sorted Penny's Christmas present from me yet? Let's not have a mad rush just as you're leaving for Trondheim this year please. And no vouchers. You need to put some thought into it. Thanks. Tim."
December 12, 2024 at 11:18 AM
"Trudje, have you sorted Penny's Christmas present from me yet? Let's not have a mad rush just as you're leaving for Trondheim this year please. And no vouchers. You need to put some thought into it. Thanks. Tim."
Pastor Tim's tried and tested formula for the perfect Christmas talk:
1. Start with a joke. Usually about a John Lewis advert
2.Tell everyone it's ok to gorge themselves and to forget the hungry. It's Christmas after all
3. Ignore Mary. At all costs.
4. Talk about Romans and sin
5. Invite to Alpha
1. Start with a joke. Usually about a John Lewis advert
2.Tell everyone it's ok to gorge themselves and to forget the hungry. It's Christmas after all
3. Ignore Mary. At all costs.
4. Talk about Romans and sin
5. Invite to Alpha
December 11, 2024 at 3:55 PM
Pastor Tim's tried and tested formula for the perfect Christmas talk:
1. Start with a joke. Usually about a John Lewis advert
2.Tell everyone it's ok to gorge themselves and to forget the hungry. It's Christmas after all
3. Ignore Mary. At all costs.
4. Talk about Romans and sin
5. Invite to Alpha
1. Start with a joke. Usually about a John Lewis advert
2.Tell everyone it's ok to gorge themselves and to forget the hungry. It's Christmas after all
3. Ignore Mary. At all costs.
4. Talk about Romans and sin
5. Invite to Alpha
"Penny, I really don't like Christmas. I think it's because the Apostle Paul didn't really write about it. "
"But it's in Luke, Tim."
"Yes I know. But Paul didn't think it was that important, so I don't either."
"Are you saying Luke is less important that Paul?"
"Um, sort of."
"But it's in Luke, Tim."
"Yes I know. But Paul didn't think it was that important, so I don't either."
"Are you saying Luke is less important that Paul?"
"Um, sort of."
December 9, 2024 at 11:42 AM
"Penny, I really don't like Christmas. I think it's because the Apostle Paul didn't really write about it. "
"But it's in Luke, Tim."
"Yes I know. But Paul didn't think it was that important, so I don't either."
"Are you saying Luke is less important that Paul?"
"Um, sort of."
"But it's in Luke, Tim."
"Yes I know. But Paul didn't think it was that important, so I don't either."
"Are you saying Luke is less important that Paul?"
"Um, sort of."
"Well Penny, I think Justin's farewell speech went really well."
"What? It has caused massive offence."
"Well, he can't win can he? I think we got the tone about right."
"We?.....oh God Tim, you didn't help write it did you?"
"[winks and touches nose]That would be telling Penny."
"What? It has caused massive offence."
"Well, he can't win can he? I think we got the tone about right."
"We?.....oh God Tim, you didn't help write it did you?"
"[winks and touches nose]That would be telling Penny."
December 6, 2024 at 11:47 AM
"Well Penny, I think Justin's farewell speech went really well."
"What? It has caused massive offence."
"Well, he can't win can he? I think we got the tone about right."
"We?.....oh God Tim, you didn't help write it did you?"
"[winks and touches nose]That would be telling Penny."
"What? It has caused massive offence."
"Well, he can't win can he? I think we got the tone about right."
"We?.....oh God Tim, you didn't help write it did you?"
"[winks and touches nose]That would be telling Penny."
"Penny?"
"Yes Tim?"
"Have you heard? Another Senior Area Pastor has stepped back. It's a woman this time. Just shows that this safeguarding issue isn't about a boys' club closing ranks. "
"Have you thought that it might be a boys club that women have only recently joined?"
"No"
"Yes Tim?"
"Have you heard? Another Senior Area Pastor has stepped back. It's a woman this time. Just shows that this safeguarding issue isn't about a boys' club closing ranks. "
"Have you thought that it might be a boys club that women have only recently joined?"
"No"
December 4, 2024 at 10:11 AM
"Penny?"
"Yes Tim?"
"Have you heard? Another Senior Area Pastor has stepped back. It's a woman this time. Just shows that this safeguarding issue isn't about a boys' club closing ranks. "
"Have you thought that it might be a boys club that women have only recently joined?"
"No"
"Yes Tim?"
"Have you heard? Another Senior Area Pastor has stepped back. It's a woman this time. Just shows that this safeguarding issue isn't about a boys' club closing ranks. "
"Have you thought that it might be a boys club that women have only recently joined?"
"No"
"Tim?"
"Mmm?"
"Are you planning to mention the problems in the church in a talk?"
"No. Nothing to do with us. You can't use what's happening in the church to illustrate a talk on any of Paul's letters"
"But Paul talked constantly about problems in the early church."
"Did he?"
"Mmm?"
"Are you planning to mention the problems in the church in a talk?"
"No. Nothing to do with us. You can't use what's happening in the church to illustrate a talk on any of Paul's letters"
"But Paul talked constantly about problems in the early church."
"Did he?"
December 3, 2024 at 11:50 AM
"Tim?"
"Mmm?"
"Are you planning to mention the problems in the church in a talk?"
"No. Nothing to do with us. You can't use what's happening in the church to illustrate a talk on any of Paul's letters"
"But Paul talked constantly about problems in the early church."
"Did he?"
"Mmm?"
"Are you planning to mention the problems in the church in a talk?"
"No. Nothing to do with us. You can't use what's happening in the church to illustrate a talk on any of Paul's letters"
"But Paul talked constantly about problems in the early church."
"Did he?"
Pastor Tim is pontificating at the staff meeting:
"The thing is, bad safeguarding has been normal for generations - in boarding schools and the church. We can't be expected to change everything in a rush. The whole fabric of the church might collapse."
Trudje nods. Penny leaves.
"The thing is, bad safeguarding has been normal for generations - in boarding schools and the church. We can't be expected to change everything in a rush. The whole fabric of the church might collapse."
Trudje nods. Penny leaves.
December 2, 2024 at 9:08 AM
Pastor Tim is pontificating at the staff meeting:
"The thing is, bad safeguarding has been normal for generations - in boarding schools and the church. We can't be expected to change everything in a rush. The whole fabric of the church might collapse."
Trudje nods. Penny leaves.
"The thing is, bad safeguarding has been normal for generations - in boarding schools and the church. We can't be expected to change everything in a rush. The whole fabric of the church might collapse."
Trudje nods. Penny leaves.
"Hey Penny, do you think I should write a worship song, sort of a lament for everything that's happened in the Church? I've just learned D minor - I could use it?"
"No."
"No to D minor or no to the song? I could use A minor. And E minor."
"No to the song."
"Oh. Ok."
"No."
"No to D minor or no to the song? I could use A minor. And E minor."
"No to the song."
"Oh. Ok."
November 29, 2024 at 9:54 AM
"Hey Penny, do you think I should write a worship song, sort of a lament for everything that's happened in the Church? I've just learned D minor - I could use it?"
"No."
"No to D minor or no to the song? I could use A minor. And E minor."
"No to the song."
"Oh. Ok."
"No."
"No to D minor or no to the song? I could use A minor. And E minor."
"No to the song."
"Oh. Ok."
"Penny, what we need is a senior area pastor of Canterbury that has strong leadership skills, charisma, an unblemished safeguarding record and is obviously an evangelical."
"Well, that narrows it down a bit. They might have to go for a woman."
"Ha ha ha!
Oh you're not joking."
"Well, that narrows it down a bit. They might have to go for a woman."
"Ha ha ha!
Oh you're not joking."
November 28, 2024 at 3:51 PM
"Penny, what we need is a senior area pastor of Canterbury that has strong leadership skills, charisma, an unblemished safeguarding record and is obviously an evangelical."
"Well, that narrows it down a bit. They might have to go for a woman."
"Ha ha ha!
Oh you're not joking."
"Well, that narrows it down a bit. They might have to go for a woman."
"Ha ha ha!
Oh you're not joking."
"Thing is Penny..."
[sighs, puts down Austen novel, pinches bridge of nose] "Yes Tim?"
"Iwerne did many good things. Set us up for a life of bible study, and some other very important life skills."
"Like what exactly?"
"Er, well, Sport, thank you letters & when to wear a tie"
"Big stuff"
"Exactly."
[sighs, puts down Austen novel, pinches bridge of nose] "Yes Tim?"
"Iwerne did many good things. Set us up for a life of bible study, and some other very important life skills."
"Like what exactly?"
"Er, well, Sport, thank you letters & when to wear a tie"
"Big stuff"
"Exactly."
November 28, 2024 at 11:53 AM
"Thing is Penny..."
[sighs, puts down Austen novel, pinches bridge of nose] "Yes Tim?"
"Iwerne did many good things. Set us up for a life of bible study, and some other very important life skills."
"Like what exactly?"
"Er, well, Sport, thank you letters & when to wear a tie"
"Big stuff"
"Exactly."
[sighs, puts down Austen novel, pinches bridge of nose] "Yes Tim?"
"Iwerne did many good things. Set us up for a life of bible study, and some other very important life skills."
"Like what exactly?"
"Er, well, Sport, thank you letters & when to wear a tie"
"Big stuff"
"Exactly."
Tonight in the John Stott suite - One for the Ladies! Come and learn how to cook up a Christmas feast that is sure to put your menfolk into a food coma! Laetitia from Stirrup Cup Catering will be demonstrating how to get the timings right. Tickets £20 on the door including 🍾
November 26, 2024 at 6:41 PM
Tonight in the John Stott suite - One for the Ladies! Come and learn how to cook up a Christmas feast that is sure to put your menfolk into a food coma! Laetitia from Stirrup Cup Catering will be demonstrating how to get the timings right. Tickets £20 on the door including 🍾
"Penny?"
"Yes Tim?"
"Why are Pastor William and the other overseers STILL being so silent on all this Makin stuff?
"Honestly? I think they're waiting for a female archbishop to be elected, and then they can flounce out and forget Makin."
"That's good."
"No it isn't."
"Oh. Ok."
"Yes Tim?"
"Why are Pastor William and the other overseers STILL being so silent on all this Makin stuff?
"Honestly? I think they're waiting for a female archbishop to be elected, and then they can flounce out and forget Makin."
"That's good."
"No it isn't."
"Oh. Ok."
November 26, 2024 at 5:52 PM
"Penny?"
"Yes Tim?"
"Why are Pastor William and the other overseers STILL being so silent on all this Makin stuff?
"Honestly? I think they're waiting for a female archbishop to be elected, and then they can flounce out and forget Makin."
"That's good."
"No it isn't."
"Oh. Ok."
"Yes Tim?"
"Why are Pastor William and the other overseers STILL being so silent on all this Makin stuff?
"Honestly? I think they're waiting for a female archbishop to be elected, and then they can flounce out and forget Makin."
"That's good."
"No it isn't."
"Oh. Ok."