Sean Patrick
@seanptellsjokes.bsky.social
I don’t know what your opinion is of European newspapers like Le Monde and Die Welt, but they mean the world to me.
https://youtu.be/a7TrgcHupo0?si=x84By3r1pec4o-KT
https://youtu.be/a7TrgcHupo0?si=x84By3r1pec4o-KT
Sex is like riding a bike.
I'm not very good at it.
I'm not very good at it.
November 13, 2025 at 12:06 AM
Sex is like riding a bike.
I'm not very good at it.
I'm not very good at it.
Saw my neighbour standing in the street last Sunday, outside his house, wanking. It was a bit awkward so, to lighten the mood, I said, “you can do mine later!”
November 13, 2025 at 12:02 AM
Saw my neighbour standing in the street last Sunday, outside his house, wanking. It was a bit awkward so, to lighten the mood, I said, “you can do mine later!”
“Eee, what a night! You look how I feel!”
“What - depressed? Tired?”
“No. Like shit.”
“What - depressed? Tired?”
“No. Like shit.”
November 13, 2025 at 12:01 AM
“Eee, what a night! You look how I feel!”
“What - depressed? Tired?”
“No. Like shit.”
“What - depressed? Tired?”
“No. Like shit.”
My therapist keeps a box of tissues on the table.
Seems a bit unnecessary to me - who’s going to have a wank in a therapist’s office?
Seems a bit unnecessary to me - who’s going to have a wank in a therapist’s office?
November 9, 2025 at 4:51 PM
My therapist keeps a box of tissues on the table.
Seems a bit unnecessary to me - who’s going to have a wank in a therapist’s office?
Seems a bit unnecessary to me - who’s going to have a wank in a therapist’s office?
I'm making an atheist Advent calendar.
Behind each door there is only black nothingness.
Behind each door there is only black nothingness.
November 9, 2025 at 9:39 AM
I'm making an atheist Advent calendar.
Behind each door there is only black nothingness.
Behind each door there is only black nothingness.
If you'd told me when I was 10 that, aged 51 and with children of my own, I'd be performing six nights a week in a Jackson 5 tribute act, I wouldn't have believed you.
Rightly so, as it turns out.
Rightly so, as it turns out.
November 9, 2025 at 9:37 AM
If you'd told me when I was 10 that, aged 51 and with children of my own, I'd be performing six nights a week in a Jackson 5 tribute act, I wouldn't have believed you.
Rightly so, as it turns out.
Rightly so, as it turns out.
Been asked to go out TWICE tonight and don’t know whether to choose Dwayne Johnson’s house or the Copa Cabana.
Basically I’m stuck between a Rock and a hard place.
@TheRock @barrymanilow #TheRock #BarryManilow
Basically I’m stuck between a Rock and a hard place.
@TheRock @barrymanilow #TheRock #BarryManilow
November 6, 2025 at 7:09 PM
Been asked to go out TWICE tonight and don’t know whether to choose Dwayne Johnson’s house or the Copa Cabana.
Basically I’m stuck between a Rock and a hard place.
@TheRock @barrymanilow #TheRock #BarryManilow
Basically I’m stuck between a Rock and a hard place.
@TheRock @barrymanilow #TheRock #BarryManilow
At a party last night and we played that game where someone writes a name on a cigarette paper and sticks it to your forehead and you have to work out who you are.
Anyway, it took me ages, but it turns out I was “WHO INVITED THIS PRICK?”
Anyway, it took me ages, but it turns out I was “WHO INVITED THIS PRICK?”
November 4, 2025 at 1:12 PM
At a party last night and we played that game where someone writes a name on a cigarette paper and sticks it to your forehead and you have to work out who you are.
Anyway, it took me ages, but it turns out I was “WHO INVITED THIS PRICK?”
Anyway, it took me ages, but it turns out I was “WHO INVITED THIS PRICK?”
What is the fucking point of that whiny little clown Darren Grimes? It’s like if Enoch Powell and Frank Spencer were in “Freaky Friday.” #craftywank
November 2, 2025 at 10:46 AM
What is the fucking point of that whiny little clown Darren Grimes? It’s like if Enoch Powell and Frank Spencer were in “Freaky Friday.” #craftywank
Watching Papillon on tv but it’s not the version I remember. Thirty minutes in and still no sign of Wendy Craig.
November 2, 2025 at 10:38 AM
Watching Papillon on tv but it’s not the version I remember. Thirty minutes in and still no sign of Wendy Craig.
Playing the Islamic edition of "Guess Who?" with friends. Quite different.
"Does he have ... eight sides?"
"Does he have ... eight sides?"
November 1, 2025 at 8:46 AM
Playing the Islamic edition of "Guess Who?" with friends. Quite different.
"Does he have ... eight sides?"
"Does he have ... eight sides?"
November 1, 2025 at 12:39 AM
“All you had to do was smash the bloody back doors in!”
Michael Cainal
Michael Cainal
November 1, 2025 at 12:37 AM
“All you had to do was smash the bloody back doors in!”
Michael Cainal
Michael Cainal
“So let me get this clear - your partner was initially attracted to you because of your unusually large penis? Then you lost half of said penis in an industrial accident and she left you?”
“Well it’s a bit more complicated than that, but yes, that’s the long and short of it.”
“Well it’s a bit more complicated than that, but yes, that’s the long and short of it.”
November 1, 2025 at 12:34 AM
“So let me get this clear - your partner was initially attracted to you because of your unusually large penis? Then you lost half of said penis in an industrial accident and she left you?”
“Well it’s a bit more complicated than that, but yes, that’s the long and short of it.”
“Well it’s a bit more complicated than that, but yes, that’s the long and short of it.”
“Mr Patrick - it takes eight years to become a midwife; as a man, you will be very much in the minority; and, while the work is undoubtedly rewarding, it can take an immense toll, physically and emotionally. What’s your motivation for applying?”
“I just really love fannies.”
“I just really love fannies.”
October 31, 2025 at 9:09 AM
“Mr Patrick - it takes eight years to become a midwife; as a man, you will be very much in the minority; and, while the work is undoubtedly rewarding, it can take an immense toll, physically and emotionally. What’s your motivation for applying?”
“I just really love fannies.”
“I just really love fannies.”
It’s normal, right, on a lazy Sunday, just to put on the clothes you were wearing last night just to pop out locally? That’s a thing, right?
Because I’m getting some SERIOUSLY weird looks in this cafe, sat here minding my own business in my dead nan’s knickers, bra and corset.
Because I’m getting some SERIOUSLY weird looks in this cafe, sat here minding my own business in my dead nan’s knickers, bra and corset.
October 31, 2025 at 9:06 AM
It’s normal, right, on a lazy Sunday, just to put on the clothes you were wearing last night just to pop out locally? That’s a thing, right?
Because I’m getting some SERIOUSLY weird looks in this cafe, sat here minding my own business in my dead nan’s knickers, bra and corset.
Because I’m getting some SERIOUSLY weird looks in this cafe, sat here minding my own business in my dead nan’s knickers, bra and corset.
Leave the office in the middle of the afternoon with a big cardboard box. Everyone will think you have been sacked and will avoid eye contact.
You can steal A LOT of stationery that way. Maybe even a laptop.
You can steal A LOT of stationery that way. Maybe even a laptop.
October 31, 2025 at 9:03 AM
Leave the office in the middle of the afternoon with a big cardboard box. Everyone will think you have been sacked and will avoid eye contact.
You can steal A LOT of stationery that way. Maybe even a laptop.
You can steal A LOT of stationery that way. Maybe even a laptop.
For Hallowe'en I'm dressing up as an adult who doesn't give a fuck about commercialised American children's pageants.
October 30, 2025 at 12:29 AM
For Hallowe'en I'm dressing up as an adult who doesn't give a fuck about commercialised American children's pageants.
My brother used to work as a rent boy in the East End. His clients were plumbers, electricians, carpenters ... he used to jack off all trades.
October 30, 2025 at 12:28 AM
My brother used to work as a rent boy in the East End. His clients were plumbers, electricians, carpenters ... he used to jack off all trades.
On Tinder, if someone has a dog in their main photo, I tend to swipe left, because dogs can fuck off.
Can anyone else claim to be as shallow and judgemental as this?
Can anyone else claim to be as shallow and judgemental as this?
October 30, 2025 at 12:26 AM
On Tinder, if someone has a dog in their main photo, I tend to swipe left, because dogs can fuck off.
Can anyone else claim to be as shallow and judgemental as this?
Can anyone else claim to be as shallow and judgemental as this?
As it’s Halloween I’m spending tonight indoors with a big bowl of popcorn watching Carrie. Sure, it’s old school, but to me it remains the most exciting and terrifying of all Cliff Richard’s videos.
October 29, 2025 at 8:52 AM
As it’s Halloween I’m spending tonight indoors with a big bowl of popcorn watching Carrie. Sure, it’s old school, but to me it remains the most exciting and terrifying of all Cliff Richard’s videos.
Bang-bang-boogie at night - rapper’s delight
Notorious B.I.G. in the morning - rapper’s warning
Notorious B.I.G. in the morning - rapper’s warning
October 29, 2025 at 8:52 AM
Bang-bang-boogie at night - rapper’s delight
Notorious B.I.G. in the morning - rapper’s warning
Notorious B.I.G. in the morning - rapper’s warning
I don’t mean to boast, but I’ve had sex with more sexy Italian women than you’ve had hot donnas.
October 27, 2025 at 6:35 PM
I don’t mean to boast, but I’ve had sex with more sexy Italian women than you’ve had hot donnas.
“I’ve got a lot to give the right person.”
“You’re looking for love?”
“No, I’m a drug mule.”
“You’re looking for love?”
“No, I’m a drug mule.”
October 27, 2025 at 6:34 PM
“I’ve got a lot to give the right person.”
“You’re looking for love?”
“No, I’m a drug mule.”
“You’re looking for love?”
“No, I’m a drug mule.”
I can’t claim to be a massive Shadows fan. My knowledge of their work is Apache at best.
October 27, 2025 at 6:33 PM
I can’t claim to be a massive Shadows fan. My knowledge of their work is Apache at best.