it’s not cuckoo clocking to you that I’m standing on funny business, is it?

people always use Halloween as an excuse to dress up as a horcrux

Ate a provel pizza that had the most disgustingly-thick plastic cheese ever. It was so stuck to my teeth afterward, I thought I needed a dental hygienist afterward to clean it up. I nearly suffocated with every bite.

5/5 stars, would eat a billion more times

gonna try bluesky again, slowly trying to pull myself out of the sewer

It’s that time of year where I want to carve out my sinuses with a pocketknife and throw them in the trash

MAN, I’ve never been so hyped about a football game, I wanna throw a (celebratory) chair through a window

me with short hair: I looked so cool with long hair

me with long hair: I look like a goddamn greaseball

no private profile option is weird for the blue sky social

downside to being an egomaniac and plastering every account with your full christian name on it I guess

Dry January to
Damp January to
Dracula January* to
It's-Basically-February January

*only if I'm invited to drink

I didn't realize Gary Oldman was in Oppenheimer when I saw it so now I have to admit I got Gary Oldman'd for like the 12th time in my life

Annie’s organic mac & cheese is good if you like your food to taste how a petting zoo smells

why do websites even ASK if we want to receive marketing emails anymore? they're just gonna fucking send them anyway

almost lost my wedding ring at the jimmy buffet’s margaritaville resort. how’s your day going