after facing a life of looping crisis states, even in the worst of everything, even in something like the infinite internal internal dialogue of barely unconvincing yourself to pursue death, if only for the pleading eyes of your big sister

after enough of it, crisis doesn't even become a catalyst. misery that's so foundational and so familiar it really evades having any purpose to be stared at anymore. everyone will pound a message you should already understand, something you do understand logically, in your head

if it's a maze, im going to make a maze. there are those out there that enjoy the traversal of such a thing

i will be going to a comfortable place, somewhere you look down upon.

Not like this

the universe trickles out threads such that this will happen every time, you know

you'll feel better about your misery if you can see something more miserable. you heard the tales that we do tell stories to learn and move, heard the nature of the story and thought it was a joke. understandably so. it is that type of story.

you believe more than anything that you don't truly learn, do you? you didn't take a second to see what i had escaped from. perhaps you romanticized that. im sure, im more than sure that you needed something gross. maybe it could have been, but you're even more impatient than us, somehow?

you just needed an effigy to hurt yourself with. you get confused when there's nothing certain to point to as a blade. you knew certainly that you'd be disappointed, you "knew what you got yourself into," you expected it to mean that i'd be on my knees, spilling my guts

we can turn the flame tiny, we can reduce it to a circle, we can reduce it and reduce it and reduce it. its truth won't leave. nothing is truly snuff save the snuff of the spark.

i'll shatter my teeth , we'll bite so hard that nothing matters but the bone, we'll bite infinitely harder, so it's only the spark that matters

i am the rot , i am the water, i am a heart pumping light through a darkest canvas

we can kill everything in here, we can kill everything in here, we can kill it all . we can slaughter it . our only image of me is of a girl flinging blood like stars at the black sky around her. WOULDNT IT BE FUN TO SHATTER ??? WOULDNT IT BE F UN TO SHATTER ?? WOULDNT IT BE COOL ??

i am water, i am rot, i am a dull heart

i am water, i am rot, i am a dull heart

carving

looking for a career......