Leanne Yau
@polyphiliablog.bsky.social
polyamory educator and sex therapist in training, posting about queerness, sex-positivity, and radical relationships
As a former semi-successful fanfiction writer: if you’re not writing fanfiction purely for the love of the game, kindly get the fuck off fanfiction sites. Monetising fanfiction is ILLEGAL loser behaviour.
Same goes for anyone who “writes” AI fanfiction. Grifters need to fucking stop.
Same goes for anyone who “writes” AI fanfiction. Grifters need to fucking stop.
February 11, 2026 at 12:51 AM
As a former semi-successful fanfiction writer: if you’re not writing fanfiction purely for the love of the game, kindly get the fuck off fanfiction sites. Monetising fanfiction is ILLEGAL loser behaviour.
Same goes for anyone who “writes” AI fanfiction. Grifters need to fucking stop.
Same goes for anyone who “writes” AI fanfiction. Grifters need to fucking stop.
Just because you're struggling IN polyamory, it doesn't mean you're struggling WITH polyamory. You're allowed to find something challenging without it having to mean anything about who you are or what you want.
February 10, 2026 at 8:13 AM
Just because you're struggling IN polyamory, it doesn't mean you're struggling WITH polyamory. You're allowed to find something challenging without it having to mean anything about who you are or what you want.
I want all the “I want two boyfriends who also kiss each other” girlies to know that polyamorous bisexual men exist and you can absolutely make that a reality right now, but you'd better make sure to unpack your internalised biphobia and mononormativity before you attempt ANY of that 💁🏻♀️
February 10, 2026 at 7:56 AM
I want all the “I want two boyfriends who also kiss each other” girlies to know that polyamorous bisexual men exist and you can absolutely make that a reality right now, but you'd better make sure to unpack your internalised biphobia and mononormativity before you attempt ANY of that 💁🏻♀️
"I feel so angry/upset/disappointed/sad right now, but I just need some time for the feelings to pass and I won't hold them against you. We don't need to fix everything right now, but I would really value your presence while I sit with my emotions. I still love you and we will be okay."
February 10, 2026 at 7:51 AM
"I feel so angry/upset/disappointed/sad right now, but I just need some time for the feelings to pass and I won't hold them against you. We don't need to fix everything right now, but I would really value your presence while I sit with my emotions. I still love you and we will be okay."
"I need space to process my feelings to continue this conversation in a productive way. I'm not abandoning or rejecting you. I just don't want to say something I don't mean or will regret later. I promise to come back when I feel ready. Thank you for being patient with me."
February 10, 2026 at 7:51 AM
"I need space to process my feelings to continue this conversation in a productive way. I'm not abandoning or rejecting you. I just don't want to say something I don't mean or will regret later. I promise to come back when I feel ready. Thank you for being patient with me."
"I'm not setting a boundary because I'm trying to punish you - it is what I need to feel safe in this connection. I appreciate you for respecting and considering my feelings, and caring about our relationship. I love you and hope we can work together to find a way for everyone's needs to be met."
February 10, 2026 at 7:51 AM
"I'm not setting a boundary because I'm trying to punish you - it is what I need to feel safe in this connection. I appreciate you for respecting and considering my feelings, and caring about our relationship. I love you and hope we can work together to find a way for everyone's needs to be met."
"I'm having big feelings right now, but it doesn't mean I blame you or that I think you did anything wrong. I'm sharing this with you because I want to let you in on my inner experience, not because I'm trying to attack you or stop you from doing what you're doing. I love you."
February 10, 2026 at 7:51 AM
"I'm having big feelings right now, but it doesn't mean I blame you or that I think you did anything wrong. I'm sharing this with you because I want to let you in on my inner experience, not because I'm trying to attack you or stop you from doing what you're doing. I love you."
"I know what I've shared with you was really difficult for you to hear, but I want to reassure you that I still love and care about you. I appreciate you for listening and I want you to know it matters to me."
February 10, 2026 at 7:51 AM
"I know what I've shared with you was really difficult for you to hear, but I want to reassure you that I still love and care about you. I appreciate you for listening and I want you to know it matters to me."
When you're experiencing challenging emotions in polyamory, here are some phrases you can use to defuse the tension and stay in connection, rather than escalating into further conflict:
February 10, 2026 at 7:51 AM
When you're experiencing challenging emotions in polyamory, here are some phrases you can use to defuse the tension and stay in connection, rather than escalating into further conflict:
Listen, be curious, and keep an open mind. And if you can't do that, your friend deserves better.
February 10, 2026 at 7:24 AM
Listen, be curious, and keep an open mind. And if you can't do that, your friend deserves better.
Even if you genuinely feel that your friend is making a bad decision and that polyamory truly isn't for them, that is still their decision to make and their own conclusion to come to, and it's not your place to take away their autonomy.
February 10, 2026 at 7:24 AM
Even if you genuinely feel that your friend is making a bad decision and that polyamory truly isn't for them, that is still their decision to make and their own conclusion to come to, and it's not your place to take away their autonomy.
Your friend is probably already getting a ton of shit and judgment from other people for practising a relationship style that is often misunderstood, stigmatised, and hated on. If you add to that chorus by questioning their choices, you are not making them feel safe to be open with you.
February 10, 2026 at 7:24 AM
Your friend is probably already getting a ton of shit and judgment from other people for practising a relationship style that is often misunderstood, stigmatised, and hated on. If you add to that chorus by questioning their choices, you are not making them feel safe to be open with you.
You're letting your own biases cloud your perception of the situation, which prevents you from being curious, empathetic, and a genuinely good friend.
February 10, 2026 at 7:24 AM
You're letting your own biases cloud your perception of the situation, which prevents you from being curious, empathetic, and a genuinely good friend.
Instead of being judgmental and dismissive, what you can do is be a safe space for them to come to you with difficulties. There could be so many other reasons that they're struggling that have nothing to do with polyamory.
February 10, 2026 at 7:24 AM
Instead of being judgmental and dismissive, what you can do is be a safe space for them to come to you with difficulties. There could be so many other reasons that they're struggling that have nothing to do with polyamory.
You're not giving them the space to explore, to make mistakes, and to find something difficult but rewarding and fulfilling at the same time. You're making assumptions and jumping to conclusions.
February 10, 2026 at 7:24 AM
You're not giving them the space to explore, to make mistakes, and to find something difficult but rewarding and fulfilling at the same time. You're making assumptions and jumping to conclusions.
What you're actually doing when you're telling them it would be easier they just went back to monogamy, is pretty much equivalent to telling someone who's training for a marathon that they should just give up just because they couldn't make the first 5k.
February 10, 2026 at 7:24 AM
What you're actually doing when you're telling them it would be easier they just went back to monogamy, is pretty much equivalent to telling someone who's training for a marathon that they should just give up just because they couldn't make the first 5k.
Most people, when they're trying something new that they haven't done before, tend to struggle a little bit - and that doesn't mean they're not cut out for it long-term. And just because you wouldn’t do something, that doesn't mean it's inherently bad for someone else.
February 10, 2026 at 7:24 AM
Most people, when they're trying something new that they haven't done before, tend to struggle a little bit - and that doesn't mean they're not cut out for it long-term. And just because you wouldn’t do something, that doesn't mean it's inherently bad for someone else.
You might think you're being caring and supportive, but what you're actually doing is you're projecting your own desires and preferences onto their situation, and disrespecting their choices (and potentially identity!) in the process.
February 10, 2026 at 7:24 AM
You might think you're being caring and supportive, but what you're actually doing is you're projecting your own desires and preferences onto their situation, and disrespecting their choices (and potentially identity!) in the process.
If your first reaction to your friend telling you that they're struggling in their polyamorous relationship is “maybe you should just go back to monogamy”, you're being a terrible friend. I said what I said.
February 10, 2026 at 7:24 AM
If your first reaction to your friend telling you that they're struggling in their polyamorous relationship is “maybe you should just go back to monogamy”, you're being a terrible friend. I said what I said.
It's okay to want different things...but it does mean that you need to be with other people, and the most loving thing to do is break up.
February 10, 2026 at 7:23 AM
It's okay to want different things...but it does mean that you need to be with other people, and the most loving thing to do is break up.
Sometimes, someone could be doing everything they can to move at the pace that their partner wants, and it's still not enough.
Or, maybe the more reluctant party doesn't actually want to open up at all, and is wasting their partner's time giving them false hope it will happen in the future.
Or, maybe the more reluctant party doesn't actually want to open up at all, and is wasting their partner's time giving them false hope it will happen in the future.
February 10, 2026 at 7:23 AM
Sometimes, someone could be doing everything they can to move at the pace that their partner wants, and it's still not enough.
Or, maybe the more reluctant party doesn't actually want to open up at all, and is wasting their partner's time giving them false hope it will happen in the future.
Or, maybe the more reluctant party doesn't actually want to open up at all, and is wasting their partner's time giving them false hope it will happen in the future.
So it needs to be a balance.
But here's the hard truth: this isn't always possible.
But here's the hard truth: this isn't always possible.
February 10, 2026 at 7:23 AM
So it needs to be a balance.
But here's the hard truth: this isn't always possible.
But here's the hard truth: this isn't always possible.
And if the more enthusiastic party has all the power, then the more reluctant person feels like they're getting dragged along at a pace that they can't control, which erodes trust and security in the relationship.
February 10, 2026 at 7:23 AM
And if the more enthusiastic party has all the power, then the more reluctant person feels like they're getting dragged along at a pace that they can't control, which erodes trust and security in the relationship.
If the more reluctant party has all the power, then they could potentially keep kicking the can down the road for as long as they want, and the opening up may never actually happen.
February 10, 2026 at 7:23 AM
If the more reluctant party has all the power, then they could potentially keep kicking the can down the road for as long as they want, and the opening up may never actually happen.
It creates a dynamic where one person's feelings are more important than the other's when everyone's should be considered equally.
So no - don't go at the pace of the slowest person. Go at a pace that actually feels right and manageable for all parties involved.
So no - don't go at the pace of the slowest person. Go at a pace that actually feels right and manageable for all parties involved.
February 10, 2026 at 7:23 AM
It creates a dynamic where one person's feelings are more important than the other's when everyone's should be considered equally.
So no - don't go at the pace of the slowest person. Go at a pace that actually feels right and manageable for all parties involved.
So no - don't go at the pace of the slowest person. Go at a pace that actually feels right and manageable for all parties involved.