The poet Elizabeth Barret Browning after she had children looked sadly at the cellulite on her thighs. “It looks like cottage cheese!” she wailed to Robert. He took her in his arms and said “How do I love thee? Let me discount the wheys.”

When you're really hungry and all the stores are closed it's then that you find vending machines indispensable.

If you like baseball and footnotes then this is a humor gold mine, at least for a few pages. "The Common Law Origins of the Infield Fly Rule" scholarship.law.upenn.edu/cgi/viewcont...

When international aid groups go into poor countries that have to figure out which street kids are truly needy and which ones just want a free snack. They have to separate the cheat from the waif.

ok, whoa. the DOJ just told me that the unredacted version of the document in question contains an image of a victim’s face overlayed on the face of the Mona Lisa image. so, that's why it's redacted. jesus christ

Trump told Sen. Schumer he wants Penn Station and Dulles Airport named after him. Schumer should counter with - "How about one of DC's oldest institutions, St. Elizabeth's Mental Hospital?"

I saw animals in a circle, marching around the state capital in Richmond. They were holding signs saying "WE DEMAND OPPOSABLE THUMBS!" The picketing wasn't very successful, though. They kept dropping the signs.

Dear Speedo: Your swimsuits look great on the young females at our pool, but I worry that I may be checking out a minor. Is there any way you can label the bathing suits to identify the wearer as over 18 and okay. One can't be too careful these days.

I dated a woman who was stunning. She punched me in the head a lot.

I've started putting the toilet paper roll on backwards. The unacceptable way. I'm doing this because no one ever gives credit to the person who puts on the new rolls. If it's in backwards, they'll know I did it.