I always feel a little excluded when baseball players cover their mouths with their mitts.
October 1, 2025 at 1:07 AM
I always feel a little excluded when baseball players cover their mouths with their mitts.
I keep two-factor on my LinkedIn just to stop anyone from hacking in and fixing my career.
August 13, 2025 at 11:29 PM
I keep two-factor on my LinkedIn just to stop anyone from hacking in and fixing my career.
People get mad about dogs in stores, but I’d take a golden retriever over your toddler ramming a shopping cart into my ankles any day.
August 12, 2025 at 11:41 PM
People get mad about dogs in stores, but I’d take a golden retriever over your toddler ramming a shopping cart into my ankles any day.
Shoes on. Rain jacket zipped. Umbrella ready. Door unlocked.
My wife: “I can take the dog out if you want.”
My wife: “I can take the dog out if you want.”
August 12, 2025 at 11:14 PM
Shoes on. Rain jacket zipped. Umbrella ready. Door unlocked.
My wife: “I can take the dog out if you want.”
My wife: “I can take the dog out if you want.”
I went to the store for one thing, but someone else was standing too close to it so I’ll just try again tomorrow.
August 12, 2025 at 12:38 AM
I went to the store for one thing, but someone else was standing too close to it so I’ll just try again tomorrow.
People say homeownership is better than renting, but I disagree because I can’t pour grease down the sink anymore.
August 10, 2025 at 2:04 AM
People say homeownership is better than renting, but I disagree because I can’t pour grease down the sink anymore.
The nice thing about being alive today is that I’m statistically unlikely to be attacked by a medieval knight.
August 10, 2025 at 1:50 AM
The nice thing about being alive today is that I’m statistically unlikely to be attacked by a medieval knight.
I love meal prepping because nothing beats a nice, cold, 5-day-old meal.
August 10, 2025 at 1:21 AM
I love meal prepping because nothing beats a nice, cold, 5-day-old meal.
My ideal Saturday is doing one chore, then acting like I rebuilt Rome.
August 10, 2025 at 12:17 AM
My ideal Saturday is doing one chore, then acting like I rebuilt Rome.
Someone asked what I’d do if I knew I couldn’t fail. I said, “Wear a white shirt while eating salsa.”
August 5, 2025 at 1:25 AM
Someone asked what I’d do if I knew I couldn’t fail. I said, “Wear a white shirt while eating salsa.”
I love watching Chopped because they’re like, “Here’s some coagulated pig’s blood, squid ink, and lotus root,” and then the judges are like, “I’m sorry, but your dish is awful.”
August 2, 2025 at 9:23 PM
I love watching Chopped because they’re like, “Here’s some coagulated pig’s blood, squid ink, and lotus root,” and then the judges are like, “I’m sorry, but your dish is awful.”
When I die, I want my last words to be “The money is buried under the…” and then just trail off.
Even if there’s no money. Especially if there’s no money.
Even if there’s no money. Especially if there’s no money.
August 2, 2025 at 3:36 PM
When I die, I want my last words to be “The money is buried under the…” and then just trail off.
Even if there’s no money. Especially if there’s no money.
Even if there’s no money. Especially if there’s no money.
Your 30s sneak up on you. One minute you're staying up all night for fun, the next you're Googling "best pillow for side sleepers."
August 1, 2025 at 9:01 PM
Your 30s sneak up on you. One minute you're staying up all night for fun, the next you're Googling "best pillow for side sleepers."
That’s my emotional support 10-year-old Red Lobster gift card that still has $5.28 left on it.
August 1, 2025 at 5:31 AM
That’s my emotional support 10-year-old Red Lobster gift card that still has $5.28 left on it.
People are excited they don’t have to take their shoes off at airport security anymore. Meanwhile, Greyhound won’t let you on the bus if you’re wearing both shoes.
August 1, 2025 at 1:20 AM
People are excited they don’t have to take their shoes off at airport security anymore. Meanwhile, Greyhound won’t let you on the bus if you’re wearing both shoes.
My relationship with feta cheese is financially irresponsible.
July 31, 2025 at 4:03 AM
My relationship with feta cheese is financially irresponsible.
I bet it feels incredible to be meat getting moved from the freezer to the fridge.
July 27, 2025 at 6:50 PM
I bet it feels incredible to be meat getting moved from the freezer to the fridge.
Love when the car in front of me uses their windshield wiper fluid and it sprays onto mine. That’s teamwork, baby.
July 27, 2025 at 6:35 PM
Love when the car in front of me uses their windshield wiper fluid and it sprays onto mine. That’s teamwork, baby.
When I die, clear my calculator history. I don’t need people knowing how many times I’ve typed “80085”.
July 25, 2025 at 10:56 PM
When I die, clear my calculator history. I don’t need people knowing how many times I’ve typed “80085”.
“Wanna try this muffin I ruined?” — the inventor of the scone
July 24, 2025 at 2:31 PM
“Wanna try this muffin I ruined?” — the inventor of the scone
It’s 90 degrees out but with the heat index it feels like I’m being slow-roasted.
June 23, 2025 at 10:14 PM
It’s 90 degrees out but with the heat index it feels like I’m being slow-roasted.
I have a stomach ache. Probably a coincidence, and not the four iced coffees and zero water.
June 23, 2025 at 10:08 PM
I have a stomach ache. Probably a coincidence, and not the four iced coffees and zero water.
I’m not “bad with money.” I’m just incredibly good at temporarily having it.
June 13, 2025 at 2:00 AM
I’m not “bad with money.” I’m just incredibly good at temporarily having it.
The “friend who plans everything” is just the unpaid intern of the group.
June 10, 2025 at 8:23 PM
The “friend who plans everything” is just the unpaid intern of the group.
Summer body? I’m just trying to get to the point where I can mow the lawn shirtless.
June 10, 2025 at 3:14 AM
Summer body? I’m just trying to get to the point where I can mow the lawn shirtless.