Why does Diane always bring dates to the bar where she works? Seems problematic. I love being topical.

The thing I hate the most about the Star Wars films is that at the end of Return of the Jedi, the planets celebrate with fireworks when the Empire is defeated. In advanced space-age civilizations, we're still terrifying dogs.

If god was real, dogs would live longer than humans.

The Internet taught me that Coffee Meets Bagel is a dating app. But
real-life taught me coffee meets bagel means 💩

I took a nap today just to proclaim "He is risen" without rolling my eyes.

I like using the name "Baby" to make dinner reservations and then ask for a corner table. But then...

There's a hundred ways to fry potatoes and they're all oishii. Except sweet potatoes. Yabai.

A bottle of Maker's Mark.
A 6 pack of Heineken
A bowl of peanut M&Ms
A bag of Gummi bears
A garden salad with tofu
A large sausage pizza
3 Reuben sandwiches
2 quarts of fresh brewed coffee.

My meal plan reads like the backstage rider for the Steve Miller Band.