Martin Kelner
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martinkelner.bsky.social
Martin Kelner
@martinkelner.bsky.social
380 followers 9 following 160 posts
Substack & several of the other platforms. Greatest hits book Wrestling In Honey, available in no good bookshops
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martinkelner.bsky.social
martinkelner.substack.com/p/ennio-morr... Headless Clint, 'tribute' to Ennio Morricone, plus Netflix Lucy Letby doco - at the very least reasonable doubt, & where to avoid the hotel buffet! Also, the joy of Burnley. It's free. Subscribe now!
February 8, 2026 at 6:06 PM
martinkelner.bsky.social
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Liz Kershaw on Bruno's big knockers, the Savile story, Vera Lynn & Gracie Fields spat (one for the teenagers), Carol Vorderman, & latest on brother Andy..
Plus Eamonn, GB News, & having opinions
open.substack.com
February 7, 2026 at 12:00 AM
martinkelner.bsky.social
open.substack.com/pub/martinke...
Liz Kershaw on Bruno's big knockers, the Savile story, Vera Lynn & Gracie Fields spat (one for the teenagers), Carol Vorderman, & latest on brother Andy..
Plus Eamonn, GB News, & having opinions
open.substack.com
February 4, 2026 at 1:43 PM
martinkelner.bsky.social
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Starmer's Chinese meal, Mandelson turns out to be a bit of a slimeball (who guessed?), & Liberace's dead!
It's one big glorious happenstance
open.substack.com
February 3, 2026 at 8:44 PM
martinkelner.bsky.social
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Ever wondered what a 'knacker woman'does? Not necessarily what you think. Plus Nazi eagle, the axis of evil....
...and the piano-playing octopus
open.substack.com
January 30, 2026 at 9:37 AM
martinkelner.bsky.social
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More on Jimmy and Dolly and what they share, plus bananas & masturbation and other important matters
And the politics of the high street
open.substack.com
January 28, 2026 at 11:14 AM
martinkelner.bsky.social
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Dolly, Jimmy, Lucy, Nigella, & the Disappointment of Lobsters...
Plus chick peas - they're crafty, they hide
open.substack.com
January 25, 2026 at 7:35 PM
martinkelner.bsky.social
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Exclusive! For Kelner Prime customers, audio gold - previously unheard Dora Dale on the Walk Of Shame, & father & daughter on human composting...
Plus, the perils of Grok, the rise and rise of salad, & the smashing of a two-door Opel Corsa
open.substack.com
January 21, 2026 at 2:26 PM
martinkelner.bsky.social
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We have a winner! The not altogether eagerly awaited prize draw for January has been conducted, & Denis wins a copy of my not entirely best-selling book....
Yes, an email has gone off to Brummy Denis, a fully paid-up member of our VIP coterie since August 2025, and once I have Denis's postal address this historic volume will be despatched. Tarara bit!
open.substack.com
January 19, 2026 at 10:34 PM
martinkelner.bsky.social
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Hey, love highly processed food? LNER buffets have a real treat for you....plus, psychics, we know it's sh*t, but how do they do it?
...and the weight loss food scam, & don't get in a cage with a black leopard.
open.substack.com
January 18, 2026 at 10:42 PM
martinkelner.bsky.social
open.substack.com/pub/martinke...
Hey, love highly processed food? LNER buffets have a real treat for you....plus, psychics, we know it's sh*t, but how do they do it?
...and the weight loss food scam, & don't get in a cage with a black leopard.
open.substack.com
January 18, 2026 at 7:59 PM
martinkelner.bsky.social
open.substack.com/pub/martinke...
The nation staggers under a surfeit of Winkleman, Sumo's no place for a woman, & the most disturbing crime story of the year so far
plus Russell & Bromley goes under, & there's more exclusive audio for our paying customers
open.substack.com
January 16, 2026 at 5:21 PM
martinkelner.bsky.social
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Martin’s Substack | Martin Kelner | Substack
All the news that's fit to print, and quite a lot that isn't. Holder of several awards, and winner of a selection box of Shippams' fish paste from the Daily Express, but it's the Legion d'Honneur I'm...
open.substack.com
January 15, 2026 at 2:37 PM
martinkelner.bsky.social
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Jon Pertwee's widow, Stephane Grappelli, gay monkeys, & the answer to everything...it's Prime Kelner
Also exclusive audio remembering the golden days of the Piss Poor Podcast
open.substack.com
January 13, 2026 at 9:58 PM
martinkelner.bsky.social
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Benidorm, More on Marty, and is Three Amigos a better film than Citizen Kane? Enjoy yourself, it's free!
Now might be the time to upgrade. Consider it. And bad news - failed to find the classic clip of the Piss Poor Podcast. That'll be for Kelner Prime customers later in the week...
open.substack.com
January 12, 2026 at 10:51 AM
martinkelner.bsky.social
January 11, 2026 at 10:39 PM
martinkelner.bsky.social
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Ray Conniff, no snogging, and shameless plugging!
This is complimentary, a little like the spa in the overpriced Coniston Hotel, Yorkshire, i.e pointless, so feel free to ignore.
open.substack.com
January 5, 2026 at 11:29 PM
martinkelner.bsky.social
open.substack.com/pub/martinke...
Ray Conniff, no snogging, and shameless plugging!
This is complimentary, a little like the spa in the overpriced Coniston Hotel, Yorkshire, i.e pointless, so feel free to ignore.
open.substack.com
January 5, 2026 at 10:33 PM
martinkelner.bsky.social
open.substack.com/pub/martinke...
The boredom of the British Sunday, & drain golf, one way to beat it......plus football grounds seen from the train, and other fan delights...
Here's writer Daniel Gray talking about his book Sunday Best, a travel/gonzo journalism book about the British Sunday, out in paperback in 2026
open.substack.com
January 4, 2026 at 2:27 PM
martinkelner.bsky.social
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Hello joke fans, here's an interview I did with the late great Barry Cryer
Because the magnificent, cherishable Barry Cryer came from Leeds I interviewed him several times on our local radio.
open.substack.com
December 29, 2025 at 5:58 PM
martinkelner.bsky.social
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The World's Worst Busker ups his game a tiny smidgin, the death of far-right Brigitte Bardot, and West Ham's deal with the devil
And for Kelner Prime customers, treasures from the Kelner archive, including Edouard & Ruthie
open.substack.com
December 28, 2025 at 11:24 PM
martinkelner.bsky.social
open.substack.com/pub/martinke...
Hello joke fans, here's an interview I did with the late great Barry Cryer
Because the magnificent, cherishable Barry Cryer came from Leeds I interviewed him several times on our local radio.
open.substack.com
December 27, 2025 at 10:34 PM
martinkelner.bsky.social
open.substack.com/pub/martinke...
Hello joke fans, here's an interview I did with the late great Barry Cryer
Because the magnificent, cherishable Barry Cryer came from Leeds I interviewed him several times on our local radio.
open.substack.com
December 26, 2025 at 9:42 PM
martinkelner.bsky.social
open.substack.com/pub/martinke...
Kelner's Christmas Extra - aka another sodding pre-recorded Christmas show!
.....especially for our paying subscribers as a reward for year-long loyalty. Not much of a reward, you might think, but have you tried buying anything with your Tesco Clubcard points.
open.substack.com
December 23, 2025 at 11:48 AM
martinkelner.bsky.social
open.substack.com/pub/martinke...
Trump misreads the room, Salt Path, Dick Van Dyke at 100, Sir Cliff, & Gary Lineker
Plus the late great Sam Kydd
open.substack.com
December 17, 2025 at 6:57 PM