being childless in your 30s is sending new photos of plants you brought home to your other plant witch hags and saying, “my child,” in the golum voice.

i live tweeted my entire undergrad ceremony in 201* (you don’t need to know this number). my mother texted me halfway through the ceremony saying, “i found your twitter. i didn’t know you were funny. congrats.” so anyways, i’m trying to get back there.

okay okay. i was once very funny on twitter, i promise. i can be funny, again.