Leon’s Existential Cafe
@leonscafe.bsky.social
Mental Health Counselor and writer, using ideas as medicine.
People-pleasing presents in couples therapy when both are unwilling to admit their minimal joy from honoring their partner’s requests and even evading them. Hence, the refrain, “You can’t change for someone else; you have to want to change for yourself.” www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
Unlearning the Mental Tricks People-Pleasers Use to Survive
A tendency to use mental tricks to please others and get through the day comes with long-term, significant emotional costs, raising the question: Can we learn to become happy?
www.psychologytoday.com
November 11, 2025 at 6:22 PM
People-pleasing presents in couples therapy when both are unwilling to admit their minimal joy from honoring their partner’s requests and even evading them. Hence, the refrain, “You can’t change for someone else; you have to want to change for yourself.” www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
People-pleasing is founded on a general cynicism, the sense that we do what we must because mere existence is all that’s available to us, with only small joy sprinkled in. So, we use what we have to get what we can, never mind if we’ll enjoy what we get. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
Unlearning the Mental Tricks People-Pleasers Use to Survive
A tendency to use mental tricks to please others and get through the day comes with long-term, significant emotional costs, raising the question: Can we learn to become happy?
www.psychologytoday.com
November 11, 2025 at 5:35 PM
People-pleasing is founded on a general cynicism, the sense that we do what we must because mere existence is all that’s available to us, with only small joy sprinkled in. So, we use what we have to get what we can, never mind if we’ll enjoy what we get. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
People-pleasing contains immense hope, but it's also conflict-averse. Within that hope is a magical idea, indicating that if one were to perfectly adapt to their environment, everything would “turn out fine.” So, the people-pleaser tends to personalize. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
People-Pleasing Is a Flawed Way to Exert Control
People-pleasers tend to double down and blame themselves for not doing enough when they're struggling, but this tendency to personalize, while it cultivates hope, is unsustainable.
www.psychologytoday.com
November 11, 2025 at 2:19 PM
People-pleasing contains immense hope, but it's also conflict-averse. Within that hope is a magical idea, indicating that if one were to perfectly adapt to their environment, everything would “turn out fine.” So, the people-pleaser tends to personalize. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
Blame wasn’t meant to bring us up, even if that’s what we learned; it was a sheep in wolf’s clothing, which still was a wolf. Blame wasn’t about us at all. It’s scary to think that while in its grip, we just didn’t matter. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
The Extreme Fear and Pain of Being Criticized
Some fear being held responsible because they fear being blamed and shamed. But responsibility, unlike blame or shame, is fair, just, compassionate, and unifying.
www.psychologytoday.com
November 11, 2025 at 4:19 AM
Blame wasn’t meant to bring us up, even if that’s what we learned; it was a sheep in wolf’s clothing, which still was a wolf. Blame wasn’t about us at all. It’s scary to think that while in its grip, we just didn’t matter. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
If self-doubt is a weakness and being weak exposes you to danger, then, because being in danger is bad, self-doubt, by extension, is bad, and confidence is good. Yet, viewed through the lens of survival and its practical benefits, confidence means nothing. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
The Perils of the Overconfident Perfectionist
Perfectionists overvalue confidence and devalue self-doubt, missing out on the benefits of the latter, especially those related to genuine self-esteem, while cheapening the former.
www.psychologytoday.com
November 11, 2025 at 2:31 AM
If self-doubt is a weakness and being weak exposes you to danger, then, because being in danger is bad, self-doubt, by extension, is bad, and confidence is good. Yet, viewed through the lens of survival and its practical benefits, confidence means nothing. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
Overthinking isn’t synonymous with reasoning. It’s an automatic process associated with cognitive distortions; the more we think, the more likely we are to engage in them, especially after forming a sound conclusion (since your intuition may challenge it). www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
The Perfectionist's Quest for Immature Love
Socially prescribed perfectionists often equate love with being perfect, failing to acknowledge how their obsession with perfection is chasing the immature form of it.
www.psychologytoday.com
November 11, 2025 at 1:30 AM
Overthinking isn’t synonymous with reasoning. It’s an automatic process associated with cognitive distortions; the more we think, the more likely we are to engage in them, especially after forming a sound conclusion (since your intuition may challenge it). www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
Shaming is cruel because it derives significant pleasure from punishment. In that respect, punishment isn’t tempered by compassion or even concern for a relationship’s future because its expression is so intoxicating. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
The Extreme Fear and Pain of Being Criticized
Some fear being held responsible because they fear being blamed and shamed. But responsibility, unlike blame or shame, is fair, just, compassionate, and unifying.
www.psychologytoday.com
November 10, 2025 at 10:26 PM
Shaming is cruel because it derives significant pleasure from punishment. In that respect, punishment isn’t tempered by compassion or even concern for a relationship’s future because its expression is so intoxicating. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
Therapy doesn’t necessarily free people from their maladaptive patterns, but it always tries to shine a light on previously dismissed paths. Therapy is less about one specific emotion, like happiness, and more about integrating one’s mind. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
Misunderstanding Therapy as the Pursuit of Happiness
Rather than just aiding the pursuit of happiness, therapy aims to help develop the tolerance for ambivalence and ambiguity while cultivating a more harmonious mind.
www.psychologytoday.com
November 10, 2025 at 9:00 PM
Therapy doesn’t necessarily free people from their maladaptive patterns, but it always tries to shine a light on previously dismissed paths. Therapy is less about one specific emotion, like happiness, and more about integrating one’s mind. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
Confidence, rather than a product of one’s pursuit of truth or skill more broadly, is merely a means to an end, one tool in the perfectionist’s arsenal, keeping them safe from reality’s slings and arrows. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
The Perils of the Overconfident Perfectionist
Perfectionists overvalue confidence and devalue self-doubt, missing out on the benefits of the latter, especially those related to genuine self-esteem, while cheapening the former.
www.psychologytoday.com
November 10, 2025 at 1:49 PM
Confidence, rather than a product of one’s pursuit of truth or skill more broadly, is merely a means to an end, one tool in the perfectionist’s arsenal, keeping them safe from reality’s slings and arrows. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
Perfectionism, people-pleasing, and obsessiveness are founded on the pursuit of happiness, which is viewed as the foundation of therapy. Yet, therapy is less about one emotion and more about integrating one’s mind so that it’s no longer at war with itself. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
Misunderstanding Therapy as the Pursuit of Happiness
Rather than just aiding the pursuit of happiness, therapy aims to help develop the tolerance for ambivalence and ambiguity while cultivating a more harmonious mind.
www.psychologytoday.com
November 10, 2025 at 1:13 AM
Perfectionism, people-pleasing, and obsessiveness are founded on the pursuit of happiness, which is viewed as the foundation of therapy. Yet, therapy is less about one emotion and more about integrating one’s mind so that it’s no longer at war with itself. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
Perfectionism is an illusion for several reasons. The first involves the belief that perfection exists. The second involves the belief that one is special enough to be able to achieve it. And the third is the overconfidence in what you believe you know. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
The Perils of the Overconfident Perfectionist
Perfectionists overvalue confidence and devalue self-doubt, missing out on the benefits of the latter, especially those related to genuine self-esteem, while cheapening the former.
www.psychologytoday.com
November 10, 2025 at 12:13 AM
Perfectionism is an illusion for several reasons. The first involves the belief that perfection exists. The second involves the belief that one is special enough to be able to achieve it. And the third is the overconfidence in what you believe you know. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
Jay Gatsby sacrificed others while erroneously believing that perfectionism had some end to it, magically transforming his way of relating by way of it. But only we can fix that; perfectionism can’t fix us or our relationships. Perfecting has no end. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
Self-Oriented Perfectionism Is Obsessed With Status
Self-oriented perfectionists tend to only focus on how their pursuits affect themselves, but in focusing on how they affect others, they may begin to address their fear of people.
www.psychologytoday.com
November 9, 2025 at 9:41 PM
Jay Gatsby sacrificed others while erroneously believing that perfectionism had some end to it, magically transforming his way of relating by way of it. But only we can fix that; perfectionism can’t fix us or our relationships. Perfecting has no end. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
Growing up in a household with cruelty, the child’s natural tendency to personalize, catastrophize, and engage in black and white thinking is reinforced, which makes one feel that being held accountable is akin to being punished or treated as inferior. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
The Extreme Fear and Pain of Being Criticized
Some fear being held responsible because they fear being blamed and shamed. But responsibility, unlike blame or shame, is fair, just, compassionate, and unifying.
www.psychologytoday.com
November 9, 2025 at 8:30 PM
Growing up in a household with cruelty, the child’s natural tendency to personalize, catastrophize, and engage in black and white thinking is reinforced, which makes one feel that being held accountable is akin to being punished or treated as inferior. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
Some believe they need to be brilliant to be loved. Some believe the truth will eventually catch up to their lies, and they’ll become who they pretend to be. And some, the most cynical ones, believe everyone fakes it—no one is bad since everyone is. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
The Perils of the Overconfident Perfectionist
Perfectionists overvalue confidence and devalue self-doubt, missing out on the benefits of the latter, especially those related to genuine self-esteem, while cheapening the former.
www.psychologytoday.com
November 9, 2025 at 6:43 PM
Some believe they need to be brilliant to be loved. Some believe the truth will eventually catch up to their lies, and they’ll become who they pretend to be. And some, the most cynical ones, believe everyone fakes it—no one is bad since everyone is. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
On episode 246, we welcome @davidbatherwoods.bsky.social to discuss the life and philosophy of Schopenhauer, how his father’s suicide shaped him, suffering as the source of compassion, happiness as the negation of pain, and why he believed life is worth living.
Full ep: youtu.be/7l9Nk3-mUzw
Full ep: youtu.be/7l9Nk3-mUzw
November 9, 2025 at 4:26 PM
On episode 246, we welcome @davidbatherwoods.bsky.social to discuss the life and philosophy of Schopenhauer, how his father’s suicide shaped him, suffering as the source of compassion, happiness as the negation of pain, and why he believed life is worth living.
Full ep: youtu.be/7l9Nk3-mUzw
Full ep: youtu.be/7l9Nk3-mUzw
We’re an extremely extroverted culture. But, self-doubt brings us closer to truth, which I hope we collectively come to value much more, and to similar others. And self-doubt reduces our felt pressure to be someone we’re not. Perfectionism tends to crumble. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
The Perils of the Overconfident Perfectionist
Perfectionists overvalue confidence and devalue self-doubt, missing out on the benefits of the latter, especially those related to genuine self-esteem, while cheapening the former.
www.psychologytoday.com
November 9, 2025 at 1:45 PM
We’re an extremely extroverted culture. But, self-doubt brings us closer to truth, which I hope we collectively come to value much more, and to similar others. And self-doubt reduces our felt pressure to be someone we’re not. Perfectionism tends to crumble. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
Therapy doesn’t necessarily free people from their maladaptive patterns, but it always tries to shine a light on previously dismissed paths. Whether it’s perfectionism, people-pleasing, obsessing, or avoiding, these strategies are like addictions. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
Misunderstanding Therapy as the Pursuit of Happiness
Rather than just aiding the pursuit of happiness, therapy aims to help develop the tolerance for ambivalence and ambiguity while cultivating a more harmonious mind.
www.psychologytoday.com
November 9, 2025 at 1:13 AM
Therapy doesn’t necessarily free people from their maladaptive patterns, but it always tries to shine a light on previously dismissed paths. Whether it’s perfectionism, people-pleasing, obsessing, or avoiding, these strategies are like addictions. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
The perfectionist considers self-doubt a weakness, a significant justification for why overconfidence feels warranted. If self-doubt is a weakness and being weak exposes you to danger, then, because being in danger is bad, self-doubt, by extension, is bad. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
The Perils of the Overconfident Perfectionist
Perfectionists overvalue confidence and devalue self-doubt, missing out on the benefits of the latter, especially those related to genuine self-esteem, while cheapening the former.
www.psychologytoday.com
November 9, 2025 at 12:11 AM
The perfectionist considers self-doubt a weakness, a significant justification for why overconfidence feels warranted. If self-doubt is a weakness and being weak exposes you to danger, then, because being in danger is bad, self-doubt, by extension, is bad. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
In and of itself, a moderate amount of self-doubt is noble because it's responsible, the result of seriously considering the overall health of one's community—arguably, self-doubt is often prosocial and, thus, the foundation of a stable sense of self-worth. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
The Perils of the Overconfident Perfectionist
Perfectionists overvalue confidence and devalue self-doubt, missing out on the benefits of the latter, especially those related to genuine self-esteem, while cheapening the former.
www.psychologytoday.com
November 8, 2025 at 9:44 PM
In and of itself, a moderate amount of self-doubt is noble because it's responsible, the result of seriously considering the overall health of one's community—arguably, self-doubt is often prosocial and, thus, the foundation of a stable sense of self-worth. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
Perfectionism is self-esteem run amok, even if one doesn’t consciously say or even believe they’re perfect. Their sense of their own flawlessness is exhibited through the plethora of instances in which they’re unwilling to admit any fault. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
The Perils of the Overconfident Perfectionist
Perfectionists overvalue confidence and devalue self-doubt, missing out on the benefits of the latter, especially those related to genuine self-esteem, while cheapening the former.
www.psychologytoday.com
November 8, 2025 at 8:33 PM
Perfectionism is self-esteem run amok, even if one doesn’t consciously say or even believe they’re perfect. Their sense of their own flawlessness is exhibited through the plethora of instances in which they’re unwilling to admit any fault. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
Viewed only through the lens of survival and its practical benefits, confidence means little to nothing, just another thing used only in the service of self. Confidence is then a mere escape from one’s fears. Self-doubt, on the other hand, can be courageous. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
The Perils of the Overconfident Perfectionist
Perfectionists overvalue confidence and devalue self-doubt, missing out on the benefits of the latter, especially those related to genuine self-esteem, while cheapening the former.
www.psychologytoday.com
November 8, 2025 at 5:58 PM
Viewed only through the lens of survival and its practical benefits, confidence means little to nothing, just another thing used only in the service of self. Confidence is then a mere escape from one’s fears. Self-doubt, on the other hand, can be courageous. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
The perfectionist is often overconfident. Confidence, rather than a product of one’s pursuit of truth or skill more broadly, is merely a means to an end, one tool in the perfectionist’s arsenal, keeping them safe from reality’s slings and arrows. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
The Perils of the Overconfident Perfectionist
Perfectionists overvalue confidence and devalue self-doubt, missing out on the benefits of the latter, especially those related to genuine self-esteem, while cheapening the former.
www.psychologytoday.com
November 8, 2025 at 5:06 PM
The perfectionist is often overconfident. Confidence, rather than a product of one’s pursuit of truth or skill more broadly, is merely a means to an end, one tool in the perfectionist’s arsenal, keeping them safe from reality’s slings and arrows. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
In the HBO show In Treatment, Paul, a psychoanalyst and show's protagonist, confronts his clinical supervisor, Gina, and asserts his decision to begin a romantic relationship with his patient and to shut down his practice, choosing to become a life coach. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
Why Psychotherapists Don't Give Advice
Therapists don't provide advice but use treatment to help their patients address their inability to accept advice from their loved ones and peers.
www.psychologytoday.com
November 8, 2025 at 12:10 AM
In the HBO show In Treatment, Paul, a psychoanalyst and show's protagonist, confronts his clinical supervisor, Gina, and asserts his decision to begin a romantic relationship with his patient and to shut down his practice, choosing to become a life coach. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
Responsibility cares about each individual involved. And responsibility concerns itself with fairness. Blame is something else. While blame can be perceived as responsibility, it more often than not veils awful truths. Blame is poorly justified dominance. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
The Extreme Fear and Pain of Being Criticized
Some fear being held responsible because they fear being blamed and shamed. But responsibility, unlike blame or shame, is fair, just, compassionate, and unifying.
www.psychologytoday.com
November 7, 2025 at 11:31 PM
Responsibility cares about each individual involved. And responsibility concerns itself with fairness. Blame is something else. While blame can be perceived as responsibility, it more often than not veils awful truths. Blame is poorly justified dominance. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
People-pleasing contains immense hope, but it's also conflict-averse. Within that hope is a magical idea, indicating that if one were to perfectly adapt to their environment, everything would “turn out fine.” The people-pleaser, thus, tends to personalize. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
People-Pleasing Is a Flawed Way to Exert Control
People-pleasers tend to double down and blame themselves for not doing enough when they're struggling, but this tendency to personalize, while it cultivates hope, is unsustainable.
www.psychologytoday.com
November 7, 2025 at 10:15 PM
People-pleasing contains immense hope, but it's also conflict-averse. Within that hope is a magical idea, indicating that if one were to perfectly adapt to their environment, everything would “turn out fine.” The people-pleaser, thus, tends to personalize. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...