one of my life goals is to snort cocaine off my own ass #lifegoals

you haven’t lived until you’ve shit in a meadow

with everything going on in the world today it is important to stop and remember that I am very pretty

Me: Glitter, why are you so pretty?

🦄: I'm your imaginary friend. You made me this way because YOU'RE so pretty

Me: Wow, you're right!

🦄: Of course, since I'm imaginary, you actually made me say that

Me: Oh

🦄: You may have schizophrenia

Me: What?

🦄: What?

Me: "Do you think my hair looks pretty today?"

Glitter (my imaginary pet unicorn): "Why did you will me into existence? Please kill me. Please end my suffering."

Me: "Silly question! My hair looks pretty every day!"

🦄: *tries to stab self with horn but fails*

Remember guys, the raven was just quothing someone else

New phonetics: hoo deez?

poop like no one’s watching

Sadly Waldo’s wife and children don’t see him even when he’s standing right in front of them

That feeling when you think you have to sneeze but it's really just the culmination of years of existential dread boiling over until you have no choice but to take the knife and -- achoo! Nevermind, it was actually a sneeze.

I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???