Keith Bergman
@keithbergman.bsky.social
Walter Mitty in an Incantation t-shirt
Middle aged Lunchable dinner at hotel on work trip. Instant nostalgia for broke-ass comedy road gigs and mid-level hotels full of intrigue and shower mold. Tomorrow we sell records, but tonight we feast.
February 1, 2026 at 4:06 AM
Middle aged Lunchable dinner at hotel on work trip. Instant nostalgia for broke-ass comedy road gigs and mid-level hotels full of intrigue and shower mold. Tomorrow we sell records, but tonight we feast.
"Semi Charmed Life" was supposed to be a Sublime song but there was a mixup down at the Crap factory
January 31, 2026 at 10:54 PM
"Semi Charmed Life" was supposed to be a Sublime song but there was a mixup down at the Crap factory
Is there a special award for when there are more glowing audience reviews of a movie on Rotten Tomatoes than there were tickets sold globally? #melania
January 31, 2026 at 10:17 PM
Is there a special award for when there are more glowing audience reviews of a movie on Rotten Tomatoes than there were tickets sold globally? #melania
You heading in to buy some new hot takes
January 31, 2026 at 4:31 PM
You heading in to buy some new hot takes
Trump literally shit his pants and ended an Oval Office presser early and we’re not laughing him out of the solar system and fumigating the people’s house?
January 31, 2026 at 1:44 AM
Trump literally shit his pants and ended an Oval Office presser early and we’re not laughing him out of the solar system and fumigating the people’s house?
Sure hope all those bot-adjacent MAGAnauts are pacing themselves. Spend too much time laugh-reacting ICE murder videos and insisting they’ll never shop at general strike participants and they might forget to post snarky Black History Month comments next week.
January 30, 2026 at 10:11 PM
Sure hope all those bot-adjacent MAGAnauts are pacing themselves. Spend too much time laugh-reacting ICE murder videos and insisting they’ll never shop at general strike participants and they might forget to post snarky Black History Month comments next week.
No, you're right, the Founding Fathers should have totally foreseen the concept of a narcoleptic rapist who would have died of gout at 27 in their world weaponizing the entire government to serve his senile revenge fantasies before he bleeds out into his own epidermis
January 30, 2026 at 5:10 PM
No, you're right, the Founding Fathers should have totally foreseen the concept of a narcoleptic rapist who would have died of gout at 27 in their world weaponizing the entire government to serve his senile revenge fantasies before he bleeds out into his own epidermis
Somewhere in America, at least one red-hat wearing citizen is retiring the gallon-sized popcorn tin once designated as their primary Mountain Dew cup, replacing it with an official Melania bucket from the thee-ay-ter
January 30, 2026 at 4:53 PM
Somewhere in America, at least one red-hat wearing citizen is retiring the gallon-sized popcorn tin once designated as their primary Mountain Dew cup, replacing it with an official Melania bucket from the thee-ay-ter
Nobody outside former or current record store employees will know or care why this is a big deal, but we were briefly out of stock of Spin Doctors' 'Pocket Full of Kryptonite' used CD this week. Not that long ago we'd reliably have ten or twelve if not more. Nostalgia's hittin' y'all HARD.
January 30, 2026 at 7:45 AM
Nobody outside former or current record store employees will know or care why this is a big deal, but we were briefly out of stock of Spin Doctors' 'Pocket Full of Kryptonite' used CD this week. Not that long ago we'd reliably have ten or twelve if not more. Nostalgia's hittin' y'all HARD.
Weird how ICE's revised orders for Minneapolis are basically "do the thing we told everyone you were doing when you got there, and a little less of the estapogay acticstay, wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more"
January 30, 2026 at 3:10 AM
Weird how ICE's revised orders for Minneapolis are basically "do the thing we told everyone you were doing when you got there, and a little less of the estapogay acticstay, wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more"
Starting a rumor that ICE is gonna start going after back child support to get some of the fish picture guys out of the comments section for a while
January 29, 2026 at 11:12 PM
Starting a rumor that ICE is gonna start going after back child support to get some of the fish picture guys out of the comments section for a while
Not sure if this guy should be in charge of... weapons
January 29, 2026 at 3:19 PM
Not sure if this guy should be in charge of... weapons
Oh shit, Fred Flintstone's got his peer-down-at-the-bill-and-ask-who-ordered-gratuity glasses on, Dad's about to blame you for your own black eye because the pot roast was burnt
Homan: "I begged for the last two months on TV for the rhetoric to stop. I said in March -- if the rhetoric doesn't stop, there is gonna be bloodshed. And there has been. I wish I wasn't right. I don't want to see anybody die."
January 29, 2026 at 3:07 PM
Oh shit, Fred Flintstone's got his peer-down-at-the-bill-and-ask-who-ordered-gratuity glasses on, Dad's about to blame you for your own black eye because the pot roast was burnt
"Why don't you tell the WHOLE story? You conveniently LEFT OUT the part I MADE UP in my RANCID BRAIN that makes me feel BETTER about being THE WORST VERSION OF A PERSON! Now why would you do that?"
January 29, 2026 at 1:01 AM
"Why don't you tell the WHOLE story? You conveniently LEFT OUT the part I MADE UP in my RANCID BRAIN that makes me feel BETTER about being THE WORST VERSION OF A PERSON! Now why would you do that?"
LISTEN YOU ILLEGAL DRUG MULIN' JOB TAKIN' DOG EATIN' FREEDOM STABBIN' HOMBRES, YOU NEVER SEEN HELL LIKE I WILL PERSONALLY UNLEASH UPON wait what people hate this and I might get arrested? oh hai i am smol bean tiny gurl made to say all those big huwtful words by the scary bald man and blotchy grampa
January 28, 2026 at 5:51 AM
LISTEN YOU ILLEGAL DRUG MULIN' JOB TAKIN' DOG EATIN' FREEDOM STABBIN' HOMBRES, YOU NEVER SEEN HELL LIKE I WILL PERSONALLY UNLEASH UPON wait what people hate this and I might get arrested? oh hai i am smol bean tiny gurl made to say all those big huwtful words by the scary bald man and blotchy grampa
Welcome to the Resistance... [checks notes, ducks backstage, hurriedly consults with judges, everyone gesticulating wildly, finally throwing hands up and tossing note cards into the air as I return to the podium] ... uh, Annoying Orange?
January 28, 2026 at 5:15 AM
Welcome to the Resistance... [checks notes, ducks backstage, hurriedly consults with judges, everyone gesticulating wildly, finally throwing hands up and tossing note cards into the air as I return to the podium] ... uh, Annoying Orange?
Trump is a hobo's idea of a billionaire and Stephen Miller is Megamind for dipshits
January 27, 2026 at 11:46 PM
Trump is a hobo's idea of a billionaire and Stephen Miller is Megamind for dipshits
So mad about Philip Glass canceling his concert thingy at the TRUMP Kennedy Center that I'm gonna shoot a whole stack of This American Life CDs with my AR-15 on YouTube later
January 27, 2026 at 10:01 PM
So mad about Philip Glass canceling his concert thingy at the TRUMP Kennedy Center that I'm gonna shoot a whole stack of This American Life CDs with my AR-15 on YouTube later
"Abolish ICE" is the mainstream position now and the only sane moral choice. You think you're gonna drop this nest of dipshits into some other city and they're gonna be nicer?
January 27, 2026 at 9:51 PM
"Abolish ICE" is the mainstream position now and the only sane moral choice. You think you're gonna drop this nest of dipshits into some other city and they're gonna be nicer?
Man, y'all remember Greenland?
January 27, 2026 at 9:35 PM
Man, y'all remember Greenland?
They really threw Greg Bovino under the microbus
January 27, 2026 at 12:40 AM
They really threw Greg Bovino under the microbus
BREAKING: Grima Wormtongue demoted, expected to retire soon from original post in Isengard
January 27, 2026 at 12:18 AM
BREAKING: Grima Wormtongue demoted, expected to retire soon from original post in Isengard
Turns out that getting praise from Stephen Miller and Stephen Miller only is actually kind of corrosive to the soul, a startling development
January 27, 2026 at 12:06 AM
Turns out that getting praise from Stephen Miller and Stephen Miller only is actually kind of corrosive to the soul, a startling development
Imagine being faced with a potentially regime changing public relations disaster and thinking "you know what'll fix this? Tom Homan!"
January 26, 2026 at 11:38 PM
Imagine being faced with a potentially regime changing public relations disaster and thinking "you know what'll fix this? Tom Homan!"
Fuck these peaked-in-tenth-grade rent-a-cops forever. Abolish ICE now.
ICE is leaving Vietnam-style death cards in the wake of their kidnappings because they are the saddest, most embarrassing military wannabes to ever live
coloradosun.com/2026/01/23/a...
coloradosun.com/2026/01/23/a...
January 26, 2026 at 5:56 PM
Fuck these peaked-in-tenth-grade rent-a-cops forever. Abolish ICE now.